tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34739208323187408012024-03-13T07:05:25.104-04:00Ass and the City 尻托邦不私屬誰的故事,獻給一個個因愛與性在城市中游離的人們。江峰http://www.blogger.com/profile/08708944434469072889noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-59516878664647503872018-06-19T22:27:00.000-04:002018-06-19T22:27:42.345-04:00維度生物<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 24.0pt;">
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">數月前完成〈一個「其他」的人〉,是我作為一具新的「身體」活著的開端。要揚棄守了二十幾年的概念,性別,是彌足艱困的。每當我走過長廊,眼前橫亙的岔口,兩端各印著藍色的正裝長褲與粉紅的長髮蓬裙,引向相悖的歧路;各色資料表格裡的前三道問題,總有一男一女兩道方格,待我填落。像是提醒著我終需清晰,這個世界容不下混沌。它定要切割我,要我方方正正地血肉模糊。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">就在交出文章幾日後,我在著名的男同志交友軟體Jack’d上與一個人聊到相關的議題。他對於我意圖打破社會性別(Gender)感到十分贊同。「社會性別本來就是被創造出來的。」我訝異並感動自己在男同志交友軟體上能找到對性別議題有見解的人,實如鳳毛麟角。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">「但你的生理性(Sex)是男性。」</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">他冷不防的一句,我手指頓了下來,瞪著這句話難以回神。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">「我不是。」</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">「你是,人的生理性不是男性就是女性,這是事實。」</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">別傻了,你的自由是有界限的,因你生而為人。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">隨手把手機一扔,落在了床上,發出砰砰兩聲震響。一撇過頭看見擺在桌上,傅柯(Michel Foucault)的《性史》,封面上一副彈簧,蜿蜒迴還。我將它拾起,楞望著封面。傅柯的身體政治理論,身體與性相(Sexuality)如何作為各種社會和文化權力角逐及宰制的目標,對於後世女性主義有極大的影響。其論述性相並非受到權力所排擠和限制,相反,我們所認知的性別、性傾向等,都是各種權力關係交織所產。傅柯並不否認肉身上存在的事實,但所謂的生理性分類,是過度簡化各種生理因素而成的二分法,也忽略了其中無限的鉅細差異。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">女性主義者們,先是區分出了生理性與社會性別,為的是突破女性因其生理功能,如體型、力量及生育功能等而衍生出的性別歧視。更代表了讓身體回歸本質,不再以男性的標準去評判之。但身體的「本質」究竟是什麼?巴特勒(Judith Butler)在傅柯之後,承接其思想,論述人們對於身體與生理性的認知其實從來也都受到相同的權力關係操控。所謂的生理性,以往被認知成「先於文化」而存在的一種本質。然而生理性被區分為男與女如此僵化的兩極,一男配一女,根本地源於異性戀霸權下的繁殖大業。我們如此固執地守護這個二元的概念,也源於社會性別所生的偏見深植文化根本。身體從來都不屬於它自身,而是受到各種社會機制的箝限。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">想像,我們如何定義生理上的男性與女性,通常最直接的根據為生殖器。但許多人作為一具肉體,同時擁有兩種生殖器,或其二者之混合。由此可見,單就生理上來說,本不僅存二元。再者,如傅柯所言,二分法忽略了許多存在於身體上的變因,如賀爾蒙。假定我們相信一般「正常」男性身體所擁有的雄性賀爾蒙為一定數值區間,倘若一具擁有陰莖的身體,其雄性荷爾蒙並不符合此值,那它仍是一具「男性的身體」嗎?如一擁有陰莖作為外生殖器的身體,卻無陰囊或攝護腺,使得這具身體無法發揮「正常男性身體」的生理功能:射出具有繁育能力的精液,那還能說它是男性嗎?若以這些變因做為判斷生理性別的標準,就肯定有被打破的可能。而我們的生命與肉體皆同,不能以標準一概而論。所謂的生理性,也不過是懸在色色細線上的累卵。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">那人的一句「這是事實」亦驚醒了我,除了得拋下我作為一個男性的認同,還得意識到我如何看待自己的身體。而回歸我的思想,身心本無界。我們用身體力行著所有價值觀,而思想也緊緊操控著這具肉身。操弄著男性的心靈與驅使著男性的身體,當真有什麼區別嗎?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">我想生理性別是父權守的最後一道防線,「你的心你若能便拿去吧,但你的身體終究是我的。」我暗自揣想,這闃黑的體制,在落日破曉的每個角落對人們無盡地呢喃。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">於是我贖回了自己的心身,成了「一具擁有陰莖的身體」。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">或許男性賀爾蒙還是挺多的,女性荷爾蒙也不少。不,若是這樣,它們也不再是「男性」與「女性」賀爾蒙。我是各色物理與化學的織品。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">但不是「男性」。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">隨即我又想起,上回提到的性別光譜。若說身心為一整體,我們存在中的認知與感受涵有無限的維度。認同與體內物質等萬千層面時時刻刻地變化與交錯,使得我們的性相無法被定點。亦不如電腦選色介面中挑選底色及深淺濃淡那麼簡單,因為人是活在時間裡的生命。種種雜織的結果所體現出的性相,分秒都在流竄,上一刻是淡鬱灰藍,下一秒又是亮豔淺紅。人們的性相永恆遷徙,它並非二維、三維,而是四維甚至更為錯綜。我們是穿梭於各種維度間的生命,瞬乎徙轉如顏淵讚嘆孔子,「仰之彌高,鑽之彌堅;瞻之在前,忽焉在後。」</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">我的性相,如同《性史》封面上的彈簧一般周匝,晃蕩。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">與其花時間定義我於二元之間,不如親訪我的身體。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 新細明體, serif;">當你手握我的陰莖,會明白,它非為性/別這個虛擬特質的容器,而是我,這個維度生物所能孕生最不羈的溫熱。</span></div>
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江峰http://www.blogger.com/profile/08708944434469072889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-56248345081023054702018-01-30T13:36:00.000-05:002018-01-30T14:26:19.822-05:00一個「其他」的人<div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="djjg7" data-offset-key="amfvu-0-0" style="background-color: white;">
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> 即將離臺飛往紐約的倒數一週,我前往位於西門的聯合醫院進行一次例行篩檢。方坐下,處室人員遞了張問卷給我,提筆一見首題便是:「您的性別是?」我頓了一秒,勾了最後一項:「其他」,便接續著作答。閱答完畢,負責人一手騰過那張問卷,準備與我一齊評量自己的風險。</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> 「欸?其他?」他瞥見第一題的答案,張口便要問,「好特別啊。」他連著說下去,「一般我看到都是男性或女性,也有看過勾『跨性別』,但『其他』還真的很少看到。」「因為我不認同自己是男性或者女性。」我靜靜地解釋。「那很好啊。代表你還在……」他停下,似在忖度著用詞。我想著,你可別說出「還在摸索」等類的話。「你知道,性別是種……」光譜?「維度。」他最終艱難地吐出二字。我淺淺拉斜嘴角,「嗯。」他咧開一張笑臉,散著種正能量,我無由地感到胃部有陣酸軟。
望問卷的後頭走,於尾聲時,他冒出一句:「所以你現在身分證上應該還是男性嘛,將來你也可以換成女性……」「我不認同自己是男性,也不認同自己是女性。」我開口,又給了同樣一句,不慍不火地。「喔!」他看來有些侷促,但隨即又調回一貫的正向頻道,「做自己,很棒。」最後他補上。
步出醫院後,我不斷思索此次經歷。一方面感嘆人類的分類本能,對於無法歸類的事物感到恐懼;一方面更無奈,二十世紀的婦運、同運至今,人們對於性別的理解,並無根本上的改動。許久以前,人們開始意識到,性別也許不只存在「男性」與「女性」,而是一道光譜,其間蘊含著無限可能的型態。於是我們有了「中性」及「跨性別」等概念。
那「其他」是什麼?
巴特勒(Judith Butler)於一九九零年出版的性別、酷兒理論鉅著《性別惑亂》,迄今近三十年。而其作中提出最驚世亦最經典的概念便為「性別操演」(Gender performativity),意即性別是透過不斷重複實踐概念中理想的性別形象來鞏固的一種文化理念與積習,無人生來即為「男性」或者「女性」。反之,人們皆透過永恆的規訓而被陶鑄成為某種性別。(不可置信,三十年後,我仍在講述巴特勒的理論。感嘆之餘,亦覺班門弄斧。)
於是,身處性別光譜兩極的「男性」與「女性」,人們日復一日地透過性別操演來練習此理想的兩性原型。卻僅能在一回回後明白自己與其距離終遙,墮入永恆的擬近與挫敗裡。既然光譜的兩端都僅是性別腳色的幻覺,而坐於光譜上的任何一點,都只如困陷於兩頭死巷中的遊人,永無自由之日。不論是「陰柔的男性」或是「陽剛的女性」,都再再加強著性別氣質與性別的無稽勾連。即便「跨性別」一詞,仍是鞏固了終極的二元價值。若本無限無界,又何言「跨越」?對我來說,「其他」意味著新的可能,一種超脫二元死巷的全然自由。在巴特勒的語彙中,這便是「酷兒」。
臺灣近年有關性別教育的爭執頻繁,至今仍對於「性別光譜」的適教性僵持不下。卻不知,此等思維早已不敷於現今異彩紛斕的酷兒時代。如同巴特勒所言,人們不僅得意識到性別本身的操演性,更須從根本上打破性(Sex)及性別(Gender)的二元性。
二零一七年,我終止了自己的「男性」認同,既不再是男性,即使喜好性別為男性的個體,我亦不再為「同志」。一併近幾年來與男同志社群的風氣與理念齟齬,亦拋開了「男同志」的認同。意即,一方面不再於男性的身分認同下與另一個擁有同樣性別認同的男性開發情/慾關係;同時,亦遠離了臺灣或/及全球男同志主流文化脈絡下的認同模板,如崇尚陽剛、肌肉膜拜、賤斥陰性等。進而轉向性別與性向上的「酷兒」。酷兒不僅是異性戀的「其他」,更是同性戀的「其他」。從男性與女性的二元,再至同性戀與異性戀的二元,酷兒是錯錯疊疊的二元網絡裡永恆的他者。然酷兒終究是種文化與政治上敵抗主流的戰術,是在當代仍舊嚴苛的性別、性向監控與規訓下,奔逃的個體對體制的竭力控訴。從主流道路上自我放逐,以自己的身與命為武器的最終頑抗。但若可以,誰願做一個「其他」的人?我更想當一個「人」。
站在十字街口,右臂上的針孔仍是涼涼汩汩的。我欣慰自己非為「男性」亦非「女性」,而是作為一具「其他」的肉體正活著。
期望有天,人們能夠不必再戰戰兢兢地對任何人發散正能量或者展開歡顏地給予支持,而是深刻地看見與擁抱每個個體的生存樣態。當每一個人都能夠安於成為「其他」,便再無其他。此後不再有性、性別、異性戀、同性戀、雙性戀、跨性別、性少數或者酷兒等分類與價值評判,而是真正地,還給所有人作為一個「人」去淌流血淚的一生,純粹的自由。
註:本文於二零一八年一月三十日首刊於 <a href="http://queerology.net/2018/01/queer_and_gender_spectrum/">Queerology</a></span></span><br />
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江峰http://www.blogger.com/profile/08708944434469072889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-14234457620311036122017-12-15T09:00:00.000-05:002018-01-23T00:40:15.698-05:00兩隻魚<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「要不要,就這樣在這兒看著你,一輩子。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 許久以前人類證明,水是生命的源起。存在的每刻都被全然浸潤,沒有一絲縫隙地包裹,那可能是對愛的原始幻想。同時,人們被纏覆、貼溜著吋吋表面,卻由此切隔出內與外。若哪天離去,便鑄成了自我與愛的永恆對立。然水生動物並非需要水,而是與水相互滿足。需要這個詞顯得太過薄情。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我生於一道海潮,在自己身上靠岸。漂泊是此生記憶的本質,但泊是種奢求,更多時候只以漂為泊。歲月裡浪尖削雕出稜邊,狹長慘綠。我的身子被磨得亮晃,瘦骨嶙峋卻硬實。透薄的鱗甲斑駁,鋒利地劃出周身的泅道。記憶於至高點碎成浪粉,醞釀出沙,而我日夜在島的邊緣望海。</span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 前頭生命的光陰,我穿梭過慾望的人龍,被激情蒸餾;也步過戀愛市場的櫥窗,被赤裸凝視,不乏退還。潮水不斷退耗殆盡,餘下我鱗肉離解,鰓下嚥進無語。這座島上,單純的、癡情的、甜膩的,都活脫是現代愛情祭壇的供品。場場輝煌獻祭哄得人們迷信愛情,同時奉養這個類宗教的儀式裡對愛的戲弄。儀席間一人一口狼吞慾望,再嘔成愛情的遺體深情端詳。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 瞅著那具屍骸,不時一走眼會以為是自己在那,腐朽著。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US"> </span>有日,洋流來了,海與島屍才終究重逢。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 二零一五我隻身到了北京。作為一個城市,北京幽魅。枯削的路樹齊整列隊,啞喊著寂寞。蜷枝向彼此攫索擁抱,錯節的罅隙裡篩透出幾抹涼翳。天色永遠是日出方明,半睜眼望塵埃。一片蒼茫洗得人脆弱。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 離開的前一個月,出走的魔幻時刻正在倒數。某晚我在中國盛行的交友軟體<span lang="EN-US">Blued</span>上瀏覽。一個檔案莫名地揪住我,大頭貼僅有一張卡通圖,男孩睡眼惺忪地攤在棉被裡。簡介裡則是一句話也沒有,暱稱只寫著「小清新直男」。不知怎麼地,我竟發送了訊息。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「嗨。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「嘿。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 很快地他回覆了。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「怎麼會一個人在飯店?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「因為工作。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 他隨後傳了一張照片過來,螢幕裡一個清秀斯文的男人。並不特別出眾的外表,但看著讓人舒服。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「要我去陪你嗎?」我玩笑裡伴點挑逗地說。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「好呀,來啊。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我不知道怎麼出門耶,沒有地鐵了。」時過十一點,北京的地鐵早已歇下。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「你打車過來吧,我出錢。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我竟答應,不由得奇妙,但五內煲著一種被珍視的快樂。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 車橫越大半個城市,窗外夜色析進後座,在椅墊上追逃不止。我好像被甜頭啃了一點桀驁,人便歡歡喜喜的。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 一棟大樓從遠方移進,下頭站了一個男人。車停下後,我開了門迎向他。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「大哥,我幫他付。」他對司機說了一聲,嗓音剛柔並濟,溫溫緩緩。方下車,他便塞了二十塊給我。「明天給你回家的。」我微微頷首。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 那是第一回見到這個男人。頭個念頭是,他的外貌並不特別吸引我。稍長的髮絲烏亮,幾綹疏落額間。兩眉重山蓊鬱,檻外一片平野曠闊。二十五的他,卻像十七來歲。淺彎的眼尾一個勁地灑脫天真,嘴角又像日光傾瀑。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「餓嗎?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「嗯,有一點。」一輪黃月沐得他滿身溫柔。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 兩人安步到街口僅存的麵店,一番蒐羅便吃了起來。他告訴我,自己是東北遼寧人,正在經營一間科技公司。這次來北京是為了和合夥人談生意,所以在飯店下榻,便於辦公。當他談起工作,整個眼窩裡像薪堆燒火,光焰直竄天際,共處一室都被照得亮堂起來。他夢想泅近未來,身後攤開一張色彩斑斕的網。而他此生注定得鬥,必逞一回功名。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 當晚我留下與他同床,帶著我的作業,與他於床各據一方。捧著一個視覺作品分析的作業,看著徐佳瑩《明天的事情》的音樂錄影帶,但始終無法全心投入。只依稀看見主角們,在食與性間徘徊,以彼此的身心作為飼饗的情感暴力,越痛快越浪漫。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 感官漸漸變得遲鈍,遂將紙本擱在一旁,我躺在床上無心地搜刮眼前的他,不確定勢將如何。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「來,過來躺著。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「怎麼啦,想睡了?」他滑進被窩裡,安穩地降落在我的邊境。</span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「沒有,就陪我躺一下。」他一雙羚眼,目光將我浸得明澈,卻始終只笑著。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我緩緩地把我們的距離一口一口齧短,直到他盈滿我的視線。悄悄地,我的手竄上了他的腰際。此刻我感到喉頭滯塞,正當欲解。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「不是要睡覺嗎?」他不帶一絲壞勁地調侃著。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 褪去彼此的衣服,我的雙手沾上他光滑的頸背,遊魚戲水一樣在他上身掠竄。他像是經驗甚少,被動地接收著。漸漸我朝他的深谷行去,他的陰莖逕直暴露在我的眼前,像根細竿纏蛇,懶懶自在,我一口納下了它。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「啊。」一聲輕呼從他的喉頭散漫,風雲殘輕。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我把它從我嘴裡退出,撐起身子,下身正迎他一張傻臉。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我不會耶。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「沒關係。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 眼看他隱沒我的身體,笨嘴拙舌,沒比這句更貼切的了。但敏銳的感官仍不住地洩漏,「嗯<span lang="EN-US">……</span>」。我將雙腿向內攏近,股間被他的髮絲輕撓,一陣軟電鬧騰。「我不會」像句性的咒辭,一個章回的鉤,性的冒險裡沒人能待到下回分解。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我停下他,起身迴了半圈落定。兢兢柔柔,兩人同時起動,像種沉默的協議、共營的短業。它在我的舌畔棲停,軟肉攀纏而上。舌與性器精妙捉對,動靜間條條細言,把「我要你」說得燦爛成花。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「啊,等一下。」他出聲制止。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「怎麼了?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我快射了。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 那不過也才暖身正上。我抱以微笑,迴身與他相擁。一面輕撫他,看著他在自己掌中迸發。隨後我躺了下來,他不知所措。我示意他逗弄我的乳頭,最後當夜以幾道白流作結。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 翌晨,原說好我得先行離開,他卻改口說陪我吃早餐,我們兩人在早餐時間即將結束時從容進場。「坐吧。」他緩步向前,替我拉開了椅子,我對他淺笑。明媚的陽光鑑得他看來不似昨晚那人,一夜過去平添了幾分成熟。「睡得好嗎?」他問。「很好啊。」我沒說的是,與別人共枕我一向難眠,昨晚卻分外安睡。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 離開的時候,我們杵在路旁,半刻沉默。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「那我走了。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「好,我幫你打車。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 他一個箭步上了路緣,手搆得老高,像栽在車流裡一朵獨放的花。微傴的身子看來格外奮力,不過是喚輛計程車,卻像場戰鬥。我竊竊地拍下了屬於他的第一張照片,至今還在我的手機裡。刻下他一身黯藍,在正午的熾陽下闃黑凝耀。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「掰掰,我走了。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「嗯,到宿舍跟我說一聲。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 窗外的他開始向後捲,還是那張笑臉。直到他完全退出框外,我才正身後倚。無意間拂過口袋,幾張薄紙。努力回想了一陣,才憶起是他昨夜給的二十塊。感覺自己此生再沒更像應召的了,卻是種甜蜜的罪惡,就這麼一路燒回了宿舍。</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 他說自己即將離開北京,剩餘的兩天工作纏身,應是沒有空暇碰面,想來我們大概也就這麼斷了。隔天晚上,他意外地捎來訊息,說工作提前結束了,想來見我。於是,他就在那北京標準荒涼時間十一點到了我的學校門口。我倆在圍牆外散步,晃到區內僅存還亮著的麥當勞落腳。他如此連續兩晚出現,我們重複同樣的行程。六月夜裡,北京灰白的襯底,被夏繡得半綠,閃著街邊的車川,儼然一幅流金印象。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我捫心感覺自己喜歡這個男人,但仍按捺著。第二晚,在麥當勞,我倆共佔一側長椅,我正攪和著乳白的冰霜與棕黑的糖漿。「你要不要跟我在一起?」他首先展開了攻勢。這問題一出,霎時覺得杯裡的黑與白互牽得微妙。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我緩下動作,擡起頭來望著他,微笑應了他一句:「不要!」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「為什麼不要啊?」他那獨門的痞勁和著真誠,總讓我懷疑語言的有效性。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「就是不要啊。」我攙括著眼前的冰水,久久沒有擡頭。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 他第一次問我,那時我們才認識不到三日。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 從麥當勞離開後,我們沿著牆外回行,兩人的對話此起彼落,話音彈蕩在夏夜悶滯的街上。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我想牽你的手。」他緩下腳步,赫然如此要求,我竟半時語塞。記不得自己是否曾經認真和哪個男人在街邊牽手過。不只是男人,亦不只是牽手。而是愛,我不曾愛過,也不懂得愛。牽手和愛的哲學思辨,我仍只是一知半解。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「不要,人很多。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「那有什麼關係?讓他們看。」他一如首晚的溫柔,還多了一絲剛毅。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 街燈如瀑下,他不再是那晚的十七歲少年,彷彿一夜長大,懂得世故。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「好啦。」最終我屈服,兩雙手彼此纏上。他的手掌一層沙裡帶貝,像他。牽手是感情的儀式,溫柔地將彼此的所有權暫判與對方。每當前方有人走過,我總會刻意抽離他的手掌,但他一次一次地握了回來,像是莞爾著我的不勇敢。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 在長路的盡頭,他提出了當晚的最後一個要求。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我想抱你。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background: white;"> 攢在他掌中的手指瞬間更僵硬了一些。<span lang="EN-US"><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「不要,人很多。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 說不上來是害羞,一種對於愛情的近鄉情怯;又或是自我保護的武裝作祟,身為國族的客者,與情慾的異數。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我仍是屈服了。在北京極度荒涼時間十二點,交織著街邊陣陣車潮,以及時而路過投以目光的人們,兩具肉衣相裹。兜了一圈回到校門口,彼此乘著一股默契停下腳步,嘴裡嚼著日常,卻像種陌生的鏡像。我倆身後,有兩個女孩停了下來,一臺扁方體對著我們的密織的手一陣捕捉。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「被拍了。」他寫意一派輕鬆。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「還不是都是因為你。」兩人搶在對方前頭都笑了出來。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我好奇,若那兩個女孩至今仍留著那些相片,能否作為愛情的在場證明。</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">(貳)</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 當時我以為,那會是我最後一次見到他。他在那日後旋即為了工作離開北京前往成都,在我離開中國前不會再回來。如此也好吧,那時我頭一次渴望領悟夭折的美。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 爾後,思緒總會把我帶回那幾天。冷油從腳目隨日子淹起,竄滿身子。懸浮在人沼裡,於目的與目的間遺忘種種過程。但我始終記得他的手似細紗,一個擁抱定義了勇敢,還有他曾在我的嘴裡,好像我真的能夠給得起一個人快樂。人生中曾有幾個時刻,在讀秒的結尾時倉皇穿越了錯的街道,回頭發現對的竟在彼岸招手。霎時恐慌自己可能再也不得幸福,緣分一雙大眼直直刺進自己的絕望裡。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 六月底,忖著最後一場旅行,而我的錢早已用盡,看來似乎無處可去,然後我想到他。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我能去成都找你嗎?」我在微信上對他說。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「來啊,我給你買機票。」他幾乎是一秒鐘便答應了下來。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 而他終究是再次提了那個問題。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你來成都,能不能跟我在一起?就算只能擁有你一天也好。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我感覺嘴裡釀著血,熟過頭了,字句酸腐著我的舌尖,「抱歉。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「沒事。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background: white;"> 我疑惑自己在提高這一回賭注,賠進的並不是我多愛他,而是若我真的愛上了他。人們甚少體會到愛情裡的風險,我們能收穫的是愛,但若是失去,那便再多的恨也湊不回自己。<span class="textexposedshow">他一如既往地溫柔,好像我與他並非才認識不到兩週,而是我們用這僅僅兩週在複習遺忘的彼此的過往。他二話不說,買了北京與成都的來回機票。我隻身從北京出發,前往成都,與赴賭局。拎著最輕簡的行李,在萬呎高空上我感覺自己踮在失重的邊緣,等著沾進一張甜蜜的繁網。</span><span lang="EN-US"><br />
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 飛機落地,我一步出機場大廳,捎了封訊息給他,他說要我等一會兒。成都雙流機場,人潮雜沓,不息地把我的忐忑洗得凝澈。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我到了,你在哪?」一擡頭,看見大廳的彼方,他緩緩走來。那像是又一次初遇,內裡矛鬥著盾。倘若是在戰亂時節,我會飛奔上前擁抱他,告訴他留下來,或者我跟他走。但我僅是緩步靠近,腮幫子提得痠糾。他戴著眼鏡,頓時又長了幾年。如今的他終於回到二十五歲,當初的豔陽與華燈盡褪。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我坐在副座,看他駕車晃過成都市區。開車大概是僅存的幾個時刻之一,能見到他骨子裡那個孩子大剌剌地光身溜達。車身在長路上呼嘯,無鶩地衝馳。「你開慢點。」我句句提醒也澆不熄他的頑心,但我也不甚在意。此刻的我正踏踏實實地在異鄉,同一個男人精神流浪著。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 漸漸我們遠離都心,駛至外圍的住宅區。此時我眼裡才收進成都的景色,小區園內一片蓊綠。成都像極了臺北,那悶熱滯塞的空氣毫無二致。但這兒終究不是臺北,我於家鄉千里之外。方進他家門,一隻大白狗奔了上來。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「雉奴。」他摸摸牠的頭,雉奴忘情地擺著尾巴,眼笑成一線<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 他養的薩摩耶犬,叫雉奴,唐高宗李治的小名。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「啊,看連續劇,一時覺得好玩兒就起了啊。」他的平靜反而顯得這無理圓滑不已。我忖著,若雉奴像他的孩子,他就得是李世民了,而他確實是李世民。我想起了玄武門之變,情與義淹在淚血裡脹成功業。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「工作不做了,就陪你玩唄。」那晚,他雲淡風輕地流出一句。原在北京時,他說工作忙,我去了可能也沒時間陪我。我只深深地看了他一眼,無語凝噎。「嘛呢?來。」他手伸的老高,引雉奴去抓。雉奴笑得合不攏嘴,歡鬧地向他的手上舔去。「你ㄚ。」他摩撫著雉奴雪白的毛髮,眼波似水,像老父對稚子,寵膩完寫。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 剎那我的心全撒了,那太像一個家。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 那幾日我們把成都走了一遭。杜甫草堂裡像在荷花林中迷了路,找到彼此時候還傍邊滿綠帶香;他在寬窄巷市集買了一隻手織木作貓頭鷹給我,錯羅精妙,真的一樣;巴蜀大宅門火鍋,大鼎裡兩圈,紅邊圍白。兩個不諳吃辣的傻子,一個勁地往白裡夾,四川的精義都浪費了;步過文殊院聽他漫談過往在成都的日子,一片清淨幽謐,我逕怕心跳亂擾了菩薩;夏夜的錦里滿園燈火燒到他的身上,我們在雋刻「蜀」字的窄巷裡擦踵穿梭,但明白他總在路彎處佇立,直至闌珊燈火。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 一晚的午夜場電影後回到家,嘴上還在聊著方才電影的細節,開燈以後卻見地上一片狼藉,看來像些木頭碎片。「這<span lang="EN-US">……</span>。」我還沒能確認自己的驚惑,回頭看了他一眼。他倏地對在旁傻笑的雉奴硬生就是一腳,雉奴退了兩步卻又巴著臉跑了回來。眼看他大腳又是一下急踏,雉奴低嚎了一聲。「不要再打他了!」我拉住他,瞥見他眼中的暗火。那是第一次,也是唯一的一次,他讓我看見他的憤怒,為了一隻贈與我的貓頭鷹。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我們在當晚做愛,第一次他探進我的身體。滑入的時候如細水潤澤,溫溫緩緩的。他從不狂暴,反而更多的總是笨拙。我的雙腿在他的肩上,像他堅毅扛起的擔子。我深深地望著他入迷,眼見他如何精雕我的深邃。我伸手撥去他的瀏海,他如同個努力的孩子般埋首,一擡頭我才跌進他的眼裡。與他結合,始終都似場場詰問,問性,問不性;問愛,也問不愛。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 那年夏日的早陽,析過簾幕襲進臥室,將他的身體拋得晶瑩如鱗。我半醒時,惺忪之際,一手橫上他的背,凝脂帶雪。他的手也緩游上我的胛邊,一指一節地柔浣。四壁裡,床笫間,炫眼的日光下,共枕濃睡。白水漣漪畔,誰也沒有醒來,兩人在彼此的囑咐下一再睡去。好像從此便這樣浪費、揮霍、虛度著彼此的餘生也罷,換一場泉歇水盡。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 與他同床,發現他是少數我能與之安睡的男人。我時常淺泊在他的肩窩,他不算豐腴的身體,卻總輕鬆釣上我的睡意。我伸手鉤向我的手機,片下了這一個畫面。他手作枕,臉頰被團起像個嘔氣的孩子,鬧累了纔被睡意綁去。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 當我再次醒來時,他已在客廳與合夥人談論生意。我緩緩撐起身體,雉奴哈哈喘氣地跑了進來,一躍上了床,在我腳旁撒野起來。他或滾或翻,臉上的笑容從沒停過,我看了也不住莞爾。我探出腳掌,在他的肚子上描圈,心花怒放的他款款地在我身旁憩息。「我是你的媽媽嗎?」不知是提問或自詰,我看著他出神。臨行前拍了一張相片,他仍在我的腳邊撒嬌。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「狗都託人照顧了,現在想要離開成都也行。」那天出了景點後,我們在路上散步,他看著我說。「是嗎,那我真的很想去九寨溝。」玩笑似地,我也不抱太大的期望。「九寨溝嗎?」他不發一語,踏進街邊的一間旅行社。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「請問一下,九寨溝兩人行多少錢?機加酒雙飛,三天兩夜,一人兩千是嗎?好,就這個。」他霸氣十足,一連串過程三分鐘不到,結帳時我還在一旁愣得不能自已。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 隔日一早我們風塵僕僕,前往機場,預備飛黃龍。在計程車上,我無由地興奮起來。明明來到成都已是與他獨處了,如此一飛又更是獨上加獨。那一趟我們隨團出發,隊裡男女老少混雜,我們兩個年輕人反成了異數。午膳時,眾人桌上熱絡。我們與旁邊的一對夫婦閒談,他倆說此行是來蜜月旅行的。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我們也是來度蜜月的啊。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我手中捧的熱茶險些沒翻倒。他神采飛揚,見那夫婦僵笑了兩聲。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你在說甚麼啊!」那對男女一別過頭,我便低聲質問他。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「有什麼關係,開個玩笑嘛。」他滿臉寫意。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「那要是他們當真了怎麼辦?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「當真就當真唄。」說畢,又是一個勁地痞子笑,我的臺詞全吞了回去。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 第二天,我們終於進了九寨溝內。倆人在偌大的溝內無頭蒼蠅似地亂竄,五湖四海間飄搖,一併目無暇給。綠水藍天,沁得人明明淨淨的。那日氣溫微涼,園內全是水景,不免得濕氣帶寒。「好冷。」我在他身旁咕噥並哆嗦著。他脫下上身的暗藍針織外套,罩到我身上。「你怎麼辦?」「沒關係我不怕冷。」他一雙大眼望向前方,瞅都不瞅我一眼。我脫下自己身上的條紋薄外套,遞給了他。白綠錯間的衣服,本就窄緊,在我身上總顯得單薄。他一換上,卻如同一覺方醒的孩子,眉眼之際輕揚不少。那是這輩子頭一回被公然包覆在另一個男人的衣物裡,此刻自己的衣著也緊貼著他,而我只是很長很長地看著他。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">漫步到樹正群海,我憑欄休息。他著手隨意拍下那一刻,日光氤氳,乳白的相機吊在我的胸前。方低下頭,不備的瞬間被裁進記憶體裡,暗藍的毛衣漫得畫面裡一片冷甜。之後我們又上了幾個坡,空氣愈發寒冽。我抖得不行,牙關緊攢。正好亭下一名婦人兜售著披巾,我們各買了一件。黑的粗布散織,懶垮在我倆肩上,瞬時像兩個野人。過後一路從頂上奔了下來,回到園區門口,他站在一旁抽菸。我看著他,心想野人戲火,不忍笑了出來。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 九寨溝身處阿埧自治州,是藏族與羌族的自治區。導遊小姐在車上不時與我們分享藏族與藏傳佛教的生活。「你們知道倉央嘉措嗎?」我和他滿臉疑惑地看向彼此。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「他是第六世達賴喇嘛。作為達賴喇嘛的轉世,他不恪守成規,追求世俗的愛情,被認為是富奇異色彩的達賴。他一生寫過許多情詩,也不斷在追尋佛法和愛情、超脫與世俗的平衡。想跟大家分享一首他最有名的詩。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「曾慮多情損梵行,入山又恐別傾城。世間安得雙全法,不負如來不負卿。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 車在山路間曲折迴繞,我望向窗外一片綠蔭出神。「不負如來不負卿」<span lang="EN-US">……</span>那是怎樣的兩難?彷彿進與退都一併踩在自毀的檻上。我轉頭面向他,他直直地映進我眼裡。「這種情詩有什麼好的呀?」一貫地痞態,他彷彿對這雋永的故事不感興趣。他別過頭看著前方,手卻緩緩貼近,牢牢地箍緊我的掌心。周遭一切聲響的皮都被剝了去,褪出一個赤裸的當下。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow" style="color: #444444;"><span style="background: white;"> 行程的最後一日在各式採買景點中度過。尾聲時來到一間寶石店,先前導遊已與我們簡介過各種晶石。我杵在櫃前,看著色色髮晶,綠黑黃紅,被亮得恍恍惚惚。「髮晶能破煞擋災,保人安康。」導遊的話反覆在我耳邊迴繞。「你買一個給我好不好?」我轉身和他說。「你想要啊?我過幾天再去店裡給你挑一個啊。」他那時正在成都和合夥人經營玉石生意,「我們自己那拿便宜。」</span></span><span style="background-color: white;">「那你要記得哦。」但我也擔心,就憑自己那點兒記憶力,大概幾秒後便拋得一乾二淨。</span><span style="background-color: white;">我對他點點頭,心裡想的是,要把他日日安繫在我的手上。</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 回北京前一晚,離開中國倒數三天。飛機誤點八個小時,航空公司為所有旅客安排了飯店休息。在飯店的床上,冷氣如安屍一般放送。我們齊肩躺著,蜷進被底,一張大白床縮得我倆好小好小。出走的魔幻時刻即將結束,眼見只餘殘酷的現實塞在兩人軀間。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「所以,我們就這樣了。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「嗯。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「如果哪天我結婚,你來嗎?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你邀請我,還幫我買機票,我就來啊。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「好啊。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你回臺灣就好好生活、好好學習。我可能就找個女孩結婚了吧。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我的眼淚早已悄聲出牆,野放在外。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 背對他,我用力秉住呼吸,一絲一分一點一毫都死守著。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「怎麼了?」他撐起上身,靠近我,輕輕為我擦去眼淚。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background: white;"> 我什麼也沒說,只是楞瞪著白如魚肚的天花板。它一脹一縮的,像是在說,比起淺淺地活著,更想深深地死去。<span class="textexposedshow">最可怕的也許不是失,而是明白自此再不能得。我想,若不願意想像那人和另一個身影並置,那可能就必須是愛了。於是我暗自下了一個決定,回北京後,如果他再出口那個問題,我會答應他。</span><span lang="EN-US"><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background: white;"> 最後那兩晚在北京,我們搬進旅館。白天各自出門,晚上同床共枕,預習新婚生活一樣。但他始終絕口不提,我暗自內焚。<span class="textexposedshow">直至離開前,最後一個晚上,在大廳入口處我們碰面,一同走進電梯。隨著樓層升高,壓力緩緩從四壁傾注匯累,淹滿了整個方體。我倆穿過一間間套房,它們往身後呼嘯像是骨牌,漸漸急、漸漸快。推開房門的那一瞬間,我淚如雨下。</span><span lang="EN-US"><br />
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"> 「怎麼突然哭了?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><br />
</span><span class="textexposedshow"> 「我明天要走了欸!」</span><span lang="EN-US"><br />
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"> 赫然房裡好大一隻沉默。</span><span lang="EN-US"><br />
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我攤在床上,而他款款挪近,罩在我的上空,眼神似水依舊。半晌誰也沒出聲,只是靜默地分享我的眼淚。最後他終於開口。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你回臺灣就好好過生活、好好學習<span lang="EN-US">……</span>」</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你怎麼都不問我那個問題了?」我陡然打斷他。如果這已經是最後一刻,那我必須要清楚自己現在能有的,或曾經錯過的。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 吸了一口氣,他的聲音沉得似海:「因為我怕你會答應我,我不想要你難過。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 終究坦白,這段時間的謎底。從我踏下飛機的那一刻起,火鍋、披巾、貓頭鷹,一切種種都被這句話淬得深邃無比。他已經不再需要得到我了嗎?或者他已然得到過我?始終無解。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「可是,」我幾乎是喊著,「我就是想要你啊!」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 赫然房裡那隻沉默又腫了一些。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你問我。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「不要。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你快點問我!」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「不要!」</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我們就這樣對峙著,也擁抱著。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「好啦,所以你要跟我在一起是不是?」他壞勁依舊,我卻無心再思索語言是否無效。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「對啦!」眼淚還在頰邊,頓時破涕成笑。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><br />
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</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 就這樣一回,莫名其妙、糊裡糊塗的,兩個人尚在鋪寫一場凝視。</span></span><span style="background: white;">同樣的曲水白流之際,潮汐消退,頃刻關係水落石出。兩具身軀上岸,彼此結纏,衣鬢帶水,唇齒相偎。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 翌晨,他送我回宿舍收拾最後的行李。在校門口,此次分離沒有月柔星稀,只見天青日明,離情被曝得裸亮。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我走了。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background: white;"> 「我幫你打車。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 一輛出租車停了下來,我打開門,最後一遍迴身。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我可以再抱你一下嗎?」今次沒了黑夜的庇蔭,光天化日,他依舊膽大包天。我彎起嘴角,掩收不住嬌氣,「不要!」旋即跳上後座,拉下車窗。「隨時跟我聯繫啊。」他囑咐著。「我走了。」車在窗子鍘至上緣的同時啟行。他向我招手,我貼在窗邊,眼看他被拖進視線的盡頭。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 在機場等待登機,一片落地窗外碧天白雲,飛機此起彼落。我打開微信,敲進了置頂的對話框。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「如果我回臺灣,想要了怎麼辦?寂寞了怎麼辦?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「愛會克服這一切。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我常覺得在中國這幾個月像一場夢,而這場夢總有一天得醒來。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你可以不要醒來,一直作夢下去。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 在飛機即將起飛之際,我望著外頭的藍天。赫然清晰自己這次不再失重,取而代之的是無比的踏實。我要的,都被給予。好像人生中第一次,真正地在手裡緊攢了些什麼。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 回到臺灣後,每日早晨,他會撥視訊電話給我,一睜眼看見的就是他<span style="font-family: inherit;">的臉。</span></span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span lang="JA" style="background: white;">「みね(</span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;">Mi Ne</span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span lang="JA" style="background: white;">),起床啦,」他柔聲地說,「不然又要遲到了。」みね</span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span lang="JA" style="background: white;">是我的</span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">乳</span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span lang="JA" style="background: white;">名,日文漢字的「峰」。在他以前,只有我的家人,生命中最親近的人會這樣喚我。</span></span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">他自頭一次側耳聽到後便再不離口,我也由著他。</span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">時常我總賴床給他看,他也絲毫不慍不火。一直在鏡頭那端守著,直至我起身。日日,他一如初遇的那天,月光皎潔。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 後來我確信,我愛上他的原因其一,來自於我對於健談的人的著迷。我們幾乎無話不言,彼此不存在祕密。面對面像兩張鏡子互映,澄透見底。我們聊藝術、聊哲學,亦聊政治。他會用他粗濫的語言戲褻地分析我的作品,總以批評開場,時而令我眉頭淺鎖。「所以你是不喜歡嗎?」我問。「喜歡啊,我覺得很棒。」最後卻峰迴路轉,無賴並真誠不已,逗得我難耐。在他一片錯雜荒蕪的哲學語境裡,我總得奮力一番才得開拓出阡陌。「你這是站在哲學制高點對我道德綁架!」但羊腸小徑遁出後,卻又常是片世外桃源。「那你覺得臺灣是中國的一部分嗎?」「我不知道呀。」「怎麼可能不知道。」「沒想過這個問題。其實啊,一般大陸的百姓根本沒有空閒想這種問題,因為對我們來說根本不重要。」「是嗎<span lang="EN-US">……</span>那記得以後不要說大陸,要說中國。」「好,中國。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 自此我再沒從他嘴裡聽過大陸二字。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 幾日後,我在臉書上公開了我們的戀情,一張他與雉奴的照片。燈火昏黃,雉奴的手搭在他的手上,父子倆望進彼此的眼裡,全是笑意。許多人都留言祝賀,美言鼎沸。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「恭喜。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「要幸福啊!」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我要哭了。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「天啊!」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 於一片歡欣中,我瞥見與他的前景,滿是向榮。但我沒有說出口的是,這段關係的真實距離。但興許壓根不值得一提,若心靈的距離夠近了,肉體再遠又何妨?早先的擔憂,我竟也都安然度過。從無一絲越界的念頭,那時我才知曉原來我在感情裡是這樣忠貞。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 自回臺灣前,我便開始構思新的舞作,一支雙人舞。人遇見了另一人,如何褪去防備,交付自己,那是我當下生命對於愛情的體悟。當時的舞作大意裡寫道:「</span></span><span style="background: white;">愛情前頭人們平等,愛情裡頭人們等待。感謝傷害過自己的這個世界,它給了你雨,但也教會你撐傘,而人們總在絕望中遇見愛。有一天,有個人會飄洋過海、翻山越嶺來愛你,必須是這麼相信著。當那天到來,你們都不說話,只愛著。</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 開頭,一場停不了的大雨,濕透的心已然報廢。而緣分使兩條線交跨,有個人願意真心付出自己來遮蔽,為一把傘。我死守著一張椅子,苦痛、憤怒都積攢其上,不住地蜷縮著撫弄椅身。他將我溫柔提起帶離,凌空的瞬間我回頭望向自己的牢籠,仍是不捨。著地時癱軟,他輕放我倆。於匍匐、翻滾與交疊裡確認彼此的存在,恍惚裡四手牢握。接而拔地立起,天旋地轉。大千的空景亂眼,凌亂之際他將我揪回,我一躍而落在他的臂膀上棲息。緩而雙腳降下,頭一次明白腳踏實地活著。我帶著他回家,崎嶇的迷宮裡找一個只有我們的角落歇下。霎時我渴望,兩人一同闖蕩。狂奔、凝視與相擁。浪蕩與激情過後,停下腳步,安歇在我曾經的囚牢上。此次,換我為我們打起一張潔淨的傘。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 正式演出的四場,我幾乎場場都哭。我想到他,縱然他不在場,我卻感覺他始終未離,一心與我共舞。奇妙的是,在遇見他前便開始籌思的作品,最後卻全然吻合我們的關係。我瞭然自己這支舞是為他而跳的。演後座談裡,一位觀眾問我,是什麼樣的契機讓我做出這樣一個作品。我說,緣分很慘忍,我這一生都在質疑自己值不值得被愛。但是請相信,終有一天,在最幽晦的時刻,它會到來,並拯救你。「請相信緣分,請相信它。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 那個作品是我們故事的開始,但我從來沒給他看過。它是我內心最私密的一場告白,僅能竊竊私言。</span></span></span><span style="background-color: white;">一場告白,僅能竊竊私言。</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 一次喝酒的聚會當中,我與好友們宣布他即將來到臺灣的消息。「叫他十月來啊,這樣他就能跟我們一起走同志大遊行了。」尼特手裡拿著酒杯,搖晃著,冰塊喀吱兩聲。「你們知道他每個月都寄月銀給他嗎?很會撈,很棒。」尼特提高聲量,浮誇地吐露。我窩在酒杯後竊喜,「是啊,我是小主嘛。」「但他真的會來嗎?」陸無倏地出了這句。「聽說他們那邊過來不是很麻煩嗎?」問句由假伯斯替他補完。他倆一搭一唱,直望著我,像護主的忠僕,聲聲地關切。</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「他會來的。」夜店的燈昏黃得我雙目難焦,遂散神望進眼前一片淡淡的黑暗裡。</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「好啦,快喝酒!」小十停了話題,剛好舞池裡一首歌到頭,節奏一轉,輕快攤懶。「我真的為你高興。」當我嘴裡還啣著吸管,小十張出雙手深深地擁抱了我,溫香綿長。「嗯。」我們看著對方,晦澀的燈霎時暖了一些,迸刺的低音漸漸被撫平成了背景。我的嘴角拉開,伸出手揉擰著他的長髮。那些年,我們在那樣縱溺聲色的深林裡挾著彼此穿越,情風慾浪都未曾離棄。</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 隔日午後醒來時還有些悶眩,手機畫面一開,反射地就丟了訊息給他:「來臺灣的事情辦得怎樣了?」「還在辦呢,最近太忙了。」嗯,你記得要去辦啊,我的姊妹們都很期待見你呢。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「剛睡醒啊?棉被裡穿了什麼啊?我看看。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「不要啦。」我把頭悶在枕畔。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「快讓我看看。」他的聲音不知怎地,聽來像一種命令抑或是調侃,邪柔的、巧佞的綜合體。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 被單離床,下頭是赤條的身體。他盯著我,畫面裡的人身迅速地褪去外裹。他的手順流而下,匯旋在肉慾的岔口。眼神裡一句話也沒說,那渴卻是焦灼震耳。我握著我,他握著他,手與指的快語。啊。老婆。緩緩穿梭在彼此下身,密合,一圈、兩圈,重套輕擰。再墜,再墜,表皮一片濕淫煎著。進,來——真緊。甬道裡狂奔著尋找真理,通體軟麻。雙腳摩擦,被單與肌膚貼伏著生熱。快,還能再快。幹。你好美。老公。清液滑進眉間,灌進密林裡深遂的深邃的溝。雙脣難合,喘進彼此的鼻息。我,要,給,我。分秒予了彼此,肉體便在媒介裡弭合。頂端見著潮瀾相會,一同碎身墜落。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 可能是世界,或者畫面靜止,還跨不過來這一刻,然後我們很有默契地同時笑了。</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 同志大遊行那天,我們幾個一如往常在臺大醫院站集合。那天是臺灣每年最妖豔絢放的日子,肉體的解放,內著、皮革、變裝秀,宣示著性的積極。當然亦少不了大軍壓境,揣捧陽剛。肌理與髮鬢削出性的軒昂,比的是誰能更炙熾,向是臺灣男同志們最稀罕也最心照不宣的一致目標。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 尼特立在路肩向外張著,他和男友冒並肩,兩人黝黑的肌膚在陽光下暗燃。他向是我們中最靠近主流的一個,來往的人群也不乏目光。我心想,人們總想能更容易被愛,但抑或只是更容易被選擇?我陷進自己的思緒裡。「怎麼那麼慢啊。」陸無坐在樹陰下乘涼,一身黑襯衫短褲,早已被汗水侵濕。「小十也太慢了吧,一定是在跟餡餡打炮。」假伯斯嘴下剛停,兩人從轉角出現,奔了上來。「對不起!剛打扮太久所以遲到了!」小十用一貫的嬌滴嗓音,試圖想瞞混過去。瞧他皮裙絲襪磨得雙腿柔亮,看來確實是打扮了一番。「好啦,打炮就打炮。」「就說了不是哦!」陸無與小十逗著嘴,我瞅著他們發笑。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 行進開始,我們每年都義務似地走上這條大道。驕傲地慶祝自己的身分,但同時亦不明白,路的盡頭能是什麼,身旁的人們又是否有著相似的悲喜?「如果他有來就好了。」不知何時,賈伯斯走到我身旁。「啊,對啊,但他工作太忙了嘛。」我無法完全隱匿自己的失落,但亦撐起微笑。「反正你們還在就好了呀。」我伸出手拐過他的脖子,揪著他嬌小的身軀。臉頰就著他的頭,給了彼此一個擁抱。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 在下個路的盡頭,遊行隊伍襯著底,我們在轉角處拍了一張大合照。眾人的微笑被嵌在相片底,配著尼特的招牌吐舌。後來的幾年我們再也沒有一起走過遊行,我的記憶始終泊在二零一五。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 那陣子他的工作開始繁忙,每日的「晨昏定省」也少了。我亦不甚在意,遠距離關係裡不缺空間。兩三天一次的視訊通話依舊甜膩,天南地北,廢寢忘食。生活開始安定,化身成彼此常軌,信步向前。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 十一月的某天晚上,我們一如往常地視訊聊天。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">「我跟你說,我最近有點想要去刺青耶。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">「幹嘛刺青?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">「就想刺,覺得要刺些對我來說最有意義的事,但還不知道是什麼。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">「不要刺啦,一點也不有趣。」他還是頭一次直白地反對我的念頭。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">「為什麼啊?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">「就別刺吧。」我還沒機會多想,便突然記起一件事。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你之前說要送我的髮晶手鍊到底什麼時候要買啊?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「啊,忘記了,這不是都要忙死了嘛,過幾天馬上買給你啊。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「這麼一點小事都辦不好。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我最近還在幫你籌備另一個禮物啊,之後你就知道了,你會喜歡的。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 聽他神秘兮兮,我竟打從心底期待了起來。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 家常的對話流水一般,時至凌晨一點,他該去睡了,便與我道晚安。臨行前說了最後一句。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「欸我跟你說一件事,我最近突然覺得,我還是想跟女生結婚欸。」他的嘴角還抹著上個話題的殘笑。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 即刻我的腦內一陣塌崩,覆平了我的所有思緒。「什麼?」我還沒能置信。他急忙澄清:「就是一個想法嘛,和你分享一下,說不定我明天睡醒又變了,你也知道我。」的確,他總對世事都抱著隨興的態度,沒有永遠絕對的立場,但一絲星火仍燎原如炬。當晚我眼看自己沸騰,訴說自己如何感覺遭到背叛。當初他承諾,「愛能克服一切」。我始終傾心相信他,篤定自己捧著一段珍貴的關係歸來,又如何不宣地諾下一生一世。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你怎麼可以。」眼淚蠻愣地摔下,沒想到自己會再有為他流淚的一日。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「對不起。」他從沒這麼嚴肅,只是凝重地看著我。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我在這裡,每天回家都希望有一個人能在身邊,互相照顧。這幾個月這樣下來,我有點累。我覺得自己還是比較喜歡女生,而且,這樣我的生活會更容易一些。你也知道在中國,大家還是不太能接受這種事。尤其我想要做生意、想要賺大錢,和女人結婚會輕鬆很多。」他如真誠地誦唸祭文,我只能坐等蒼白。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 一晌沉默後,他問:「你想要分手嗎?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我不知道,你讓我想想。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我想起他與我說過,自己在感情裡從不吵架,他認為那是世上最無益的事。我當下便明白,這即是我想要的感情。而那回也是我們關係裡最擬近吵架的一次,卻仍是溫柔軟語。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">過後的兩三夜,我皆徹夜輾轉,早晨醒來的時候臉頰和枕頭上都還殘有淚漬,渾渾噩噩地跌出了家門。從蘆洲到公館,像一程漫長的夜車。從十八歲到二十三歲,短短五年,我在愛情的肉市裡被剁得稀爛,誆自己不再信奉浪漫。赫然想起了北京與成都的來回機票。與他在一起,僅有「自然」二字。我都能要,他都能給,倆人的關係從不掂斤論兩。感情的秤盤裡匯滿一池蜜泉,水乳交融。然一旦意識到自己必須得「要」出口之時,便毀了平衡,滿塘溫柔註定崩洩。倘若他要的已與我不同,便沒有綁住他的必要。愛情是彼此攜手安步向前,若兩人三腳最終只得絆磕情意。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 自那一刻,我們已然失去了共同的未來。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 走進教室,教授早已開始講課,訓詁學。許慎的《說文解字》:「詁,訓故言也。故言者,舊言也。十口所識前言也。訓者,說教也。訓故言者,說釋故言以教人是之謂詁。」迂腐的探究。往昔的話如何說的早是無從追索,過了那個當口,語意分秒都在變體、糊解、竄離。執著舊言便亦說不清現在,瞭然一門敗給了時間的學問。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我們分手吧。」擱下早餐,我指下一鍵送出。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 從沒意會那串「對方正在輸入」的提示如近午的刑場。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">「你確定了?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「嗯,我們要的已經不同了。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我真能看見,在屏幕的另一面,他深深地吸了一口氣,嘴角欲言。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> </span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span lang="JA" style="background: white;">「我愛你,みね。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span lang="JA" style="background: white;"> 「我也愛你。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 螢幕暗去,我抬頭看向黑板,聽教授講解周大璞的《訓詁學》第一章。下課後我轉向作在身後的傑鹿,「中午要去哪裡吃飯啊?」臉上的笑容比一朵荼蘼還要冶豔。</span></span></span>
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<span style="color: #444444;">(伍)</span></span><br />
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 近午夜,從捷運站走出時,已沒了公車。我在寬空的馬路旁行走,兀自聽著音樂。這一向是條寂寞的路,闃黑的前方被零星燈火提著。一路上走過重重鐵幕,矗在兩旁。僅有超商及一間永和豆漿還開著,積著不眠的客。對面一個公園,早已荒了人煙,鞦韆被吊著示眾。一個流浪漢在長椅上橫臥,他的身影深得像團黑洞,我提起腳步。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">下一首歌,張惠妹的〈記得〉,前奏水滴一般地灑開。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">「</span></span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">我們都忘了 這條路走了多久</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">心中是清楚的 有一天 有一天都會停的</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">讓時間說真話 雖然我也害怕</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">在天黑了以後 我們都不知道會不會有以後</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
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</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">誰還記得 是誰先說永遠的愛我</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">以前的一句話 是我們以後的傷口</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">過了太久 沒人記得當初那些溫柔</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">我和你手牽手 說要一起
走到最後</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我不覺地想起他的承諾,如何畫成一輩子的草圖,如今已無法興土。彼此的之間,張張機票的飛行縮短的,以及從沒能縮短的距離。「就算只能擁有你一天也好。」儘管後來那所有權判多了幾天,終究歸還,贖了一副貓頭鷹木屍的冷棺。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">「我們都累了 卻沒辦法往回走</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">兩顆心都迷惑 怎麼說 怎麼說都沒有救</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">親愛的為什麼 也許你也不懂</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">兩個相愛的人 等著對方先說想分開的理由</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
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</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">誰還記得愛情開始變化的時候</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">我和你的眼中 看見了不同的天空</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">走的太遠 終於走到分岔路的路口</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">是不是你和我 要有兩個相反的夢」</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 牽手、擁抱、做愛,他的肌膚與掌紋,只剩我糊如徹夜點燈的眼。他好幾次的提問,由我成全,最後亦由我結束。沒有背道而馳,而是讓他去走他想要的路,我目送不迭。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">「誰還記得 是誰先說永遠的愛我</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">以前的一句話 是我們以後的傷口</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">過了太久 沒人記得當初那些溫柔</span><span lang="EN-US" style="letter-spacing: 0.3pt;"><br />
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</span><span style="background: white; letter-spacing: 0.3pt;">我和你手牽手 說要一起 走到最後</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我早已看不清眼前的路,呼吸斷促,雙腳卻還硬擰著地走。大口地喘氣,我跌坐路邊,放聲嚎哭,抽噎不停,哽進的並非怨怒也不僅是悲傷。感覺他的脣正在遠離,最後的水與氣從接縫間溜逝。霎時明白什麼被全然地挖空了,生命從此落疤。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 不覺恍惚了多久,我軟坐在家樓下的階梯前。擡頭一看,覺得樓比起以往拔高了許多,人顯得無端零碎。〈記得〉早已播完許久,我停下音樂,撐起自己,抹乾眼角,進屋時已是一張笑臉。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 往後幾天,日子癟癟澀澀的,像破了皮的氣球,使盡力也吹鼓不起來。</span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span lang="JA" style="background: white;">直到他傳了訊息給我,「みね,みね。</span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">」嗨,我沒事啊,對啊最近好忙呀,你還好嗎?</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我現在還會想到,我居然會抱著你的腳睡覺。在北京啊,我說我睏了,你說你看電視,我居然抱著你腿睡覺。」他說,我無端地也笑了,苦苦甜甜的。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「其實你對我真的是完美戀人,我愛你的一切,對感情和生活的理解態度,都是我喜歡的。我喜歡和尊重為了夢想去努力的人,不會有人比你更吸引我。謝謝你愛我,謝謝你陪我這麼久。這是一段難得的經歷,一個讓我記憶深刻,讓我能夠經常想念的經歷。雖然我很少聯繫你,但我會經常想到你,已經習慣了。如果我覺得以後我自己搞清楚了,如果那時候還愛你,想一輩子了,除非你有了朋友<span lang="EN-US">*</span>,不然我會重新追求你的。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 看著訊息,心中百味雜陳。嘴角木然牽起,和淺陷的眉頭共吟。我艱緩地敲著螢幕,一字一字築起,像海邊的堤岸,我兀自走上。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">「這是一段成熟的感情,分開不是因為不愛了,而是因為太希望對方能好好的。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 自那時候之後,我沒公開分手的消息。也許因為至分手時僅四個半月的關係,我竟還好面子。但更多的是,我們之間全然不似分開。依然親暱地稱呼彼此,依然道愛,依然維持頻繁地網路性互動。我倆進入了一種全新的關係,像藕斷後所能牽出最美好的絲連。隔年三月,我在臉書發表了一篇我倆故事的上集,篇幅含括從相遇直至我回到臺灣,我樂地沉浸於現在、過去與未來間的曖昧互文。他依舊充斥我的版面,虛擬與現實無異。我感到安心,內裡還暗自竊喜,睥睨著現代人的速食愛情。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我時常將手機裡他自慰的影片翻出,然後與他一同攀峰。我能永恆地擁有他為我迸發的瞬間,而我也始終為他綻放。慢慢地,我開始可以解禁自己的身體,去容納另外一個男人。但心還是窗扉緊掩,瞥不得一個過客。那陣子我結識一個男人,和他僅僅是持著肉體關係,上過幾回旅館。他碰撞的時刻總要我吻他、抱緊他,或為他舔去額角的汗滴。我歡喜又有人能深雕我的身體,鑿滿一個慾的甜窩。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">清晨六點,醒來時男人恰巧外出。我滑開手機,傳了訊息給他,他一通電話打了過來。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「不在家呀?」他用完早餐,歇在床上,一床棉被密裹著。「對呀,在旅館。」我微笑。「人呢?」「出去了。」「怎麼樣?」「還行吧,不就打炮嗎?」「說說啊!」「我們一起洗澡,幫對方搓身體,然後上床。他蠻大的,也持久,還不錯。他還一直問我爽不爽。」我目睹著自己於子畫面裡如何眼帶春色。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 句子收尾,他嗯了一聲,盯著我,我也看著他,發覺自己許久沒有好好瞧過他。旅館的房間悶暗,床頭一盞燈打來如聚光燈,恍得我眼澀。他還是很深地看著我,畫面裡白床潔被,幾乎可以嗅到一種太新的氣味。我們只是望著彼此,冷幕裡誰也沒動。我在陌生的房間裡,被褥凌亂,床邊還有另一個男人的氣味和餘液。他的眼神如釘,我伏在框幕邊緣,嗅到互殘的徵兆。下一秒,我們幾乎同時紅了眼眶,我的眼淚楞直地劃破眼緣墜落。他的鼻側染紅,很輕地吸束了一下,透過麥克風卻像枚榴彈在空蕩的房間裡爆發。但我們始終沒有將視線移開對方,所有細節都像乾柴燃火,啪噠啪噠地碎語,空氣變得稀薄鼓刺。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我不想再看到你。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">他的腮幫子抽動了一下,緩慢艱難地磨出這句話。嗓音裡幾乎有股恨意,酸勁發了酵,但很快地竄進了網路訊號的延遲裡頭,瞬眼無痕。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我明白他言不由衷,伸出手,拭乾了眼淚。他也囫圇刷了一臉,又換上先前的輕笑。「好了,你再睡下吧,我也要再休息一下。」我明白他剛起床,不可能再回籠,但嘴上只喃著好,螢幕下一秒便黑了。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我久久不能平復,躺在旅店一張白床上,自我剖虐的術台,等待男人回來整收這具遺屍。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 爾後又一次姊妹聚會,我們同樣聚在<span lang="EN-US">G Star</span>。此起彼落地聊著彼此的生活,我亦沒有別的可說,只欣喜地分享我與他的近況。那陣子,因我與他的狀態,我好似真切地遇見了細水長流。你們知道嗎?他說他真的很想來臺灣,最近要去辦手續。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我真的希望能從你嘴裡聽到別的名字,」尼特一刀刺進對話裡,「說實在,他在我心裡一直是一個光說不練的人。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我倏然沉默了。情緒從訝異、疑惑再熬至慍火。我端著酒杯,久久陷在反覆詰問裡。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 當張愛玲心繫胡蘭成,人們歌揚這段殘破的愛。張愛玲戀得越苦,世人越是狂奮地謳歌愛的深澀。古往今來的所有絕世佳話,一併承擔著人類感情的空相,無法奉獻生命去貫徹真愛的存在。紙本傳說裡談真愛,人們引得香熱;現世生活裡談真愛,人們喊得毒辣。直叫傻,叫癡,叫妄想。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我覺得我跟他是靈魂伴侶。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你怎麼能確定?」陸無秉持一貫的質疑態度。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「既然只有我能定義自己的靈魂,那我也能定義自己的靈魂伴侶吧?」語罷,我抓起酒杯微狠地啜了一口。夜店裡的人海升落晃顫,低沉的重音被溶在這池深藍裡,惘惘靜靜。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;">*</span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">中國用語常將男、女朋友簡稱為朋友。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">(陸)</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 那年我在系上選修的專書課,懵懂之間選擇了莊子。此前我不甚理解莊子,只認為他像個教科書裡的名詞,用於得分與引用。而教授某一週談的是「莊子的感情」。簡報畫面上一段引言,《莊子.大宗師》:「</span></span><span style="background: white;">泉涸,魚相與處於陸,相呴以濕,相濡以沫,不如相忘於江湖。</span><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">」底圖上,兩隻魚在大海裡相背優游。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「莊子認為,人的感情,或者說愛,是建築在互相索取上。這個世界,像個乾涸的池塘,人們相互以彼此剩餘的口水來接濟對方。當我們遇到了一個自己愛的人,便希望他們以我們想要的方式愛我們。人們通常只說『相濡以沫』,卻忽略了『相忘於江湖』才是生命最完滿的狀態。在大海裡活著,忘記彼此。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「然而忘記彼此是什麼意思呢?」我聚精會神,深怕漏了一字,「就是不為對方做決定。」教授停頓了一下,終於脫口。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 赫然全都懂了,我理想的愛,我對他的愛。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我愛你,可是我們都是自由的。」教授以此句作結,我已然紅了眼眶。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我愛他,可我更希望他自由。</span></span>若他曾在此地,此刻我們相愛,以身相濕,只消一剎那的緣分。我眼看他歸返海中,不再需要我的吻,我皸乾的脣裂成永劫的等待。站在潮退的線上,細沙鑽過指縫,久違的海水沁涼如冰。望著他沒入水下,在淺海裡,陽光穿下如柱,他翱翔其中,不時地笑聲盈耳。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 那陣子恰好與逼逼見面,他一向是眾朋友裡最靈性的。我與他分享近日與莊子的相會。「莊子的感情嗎<span lang="EN-US">……</span>好難呀。」「是啊,所以是種練習吧。」我倆在湳雅夜市約見,一邊啖著豆花,腦中閃過許多思緒。他柔暖地看著我,眼裡有股淺潮欲襲,我只是淡淡地笑了笑。結束時,我與他道別,看著他離去的背景,我赫然感覺生命裡的每一刻,人們都在練習著。不只是愛情,而是感情。我們如何愛,卻又必須明白時間與空間終將使人分離。但若你我仍同游於大海,就該明白我們的愛未曾殞亡。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 後來再與那些只聞得上半卻不明下半的朋友們說起這個故事時,我已經能帶著真實的笑臉去鉤勒那些微苦的片段。「你怎麼能就這樣讓他走啊?」對方幾乎是訝異地喊了出來。「嗯<span lang="EN-US">……</span>我也不知道耶。」日子便悠悠盯著空白慢慢蒸餾成汪洋大海。</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 在臺灣我做的最後一個作品,描寫人們如何迎向並放下過去。舞臺的二樓欄杆上貼滿了屬於舞者們的回憶,我的選集裡頭有三張他的照片。第一張是他與雉奴的父子合照,第二張是我用腳逗弄雉奴的情景,最後一張則是他熟睡的側臉。最後結尾時,舞者們將那些代表回憶的物品整齊地擺在舞臺的右上角,幾乎如場祭儀一般,在它身旁起舞,歌頌亦為道別,最後步出舞臺。於是這輛回憶的列車繼續駛向遠方,直到有天我們再與它們於另一個時空不期而遇。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 隨後我於二零一六年離開臺灣,前往紐約,搬進了新的房子。四面白牆互相瞅著,顯得寂寥無味。我打開行李,瞥見一卷黑膠片,納悶著。打開來發現是製作的布景留下的相片。我將它們貼上牆壁,熟睡的他在床的彼岸,每日醒來都能遇見。心想時差之故,或許我醒來的時候他亦正在熟睡。從前只是空間,如今倒連時間也成了我們的敵人了。但我不與它們交惡,只靜靜任由它們擺渡。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 來紐約後,我悒鬱了好些時日。因文化差異、種族歧視還有語言能力的隔閡,始終寡歡。他時常給我鼓勵,總笑說「一切都會好起來的」。他仍會花時間聽我說話,或與我分享工作近況。他已回到遼寧本溪的老家,幫家族企業做事。於我,這個人早不再僅是個「男朋友」或「前任情人」,而是生命中烙的一個印,不因名分而改變關係的本質。後來我問他,能否有空時去找他,或他來找我。他只堅嚴地說,現在的他想先好好衝刺事業,不願分心。</span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="background: white;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 而數月過去,我開始適應紐約的生活,已經能夠接納新的人走進我的心靈或者掘發肉體關係。我們仍間或與彼此分享近來所遇見的人,或性事上的遊歷。通常是我與他分享,而他總樂意聆聽,卻少提自己。那你呢?最近有遇見誰嗎?</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我和你說,我最近跟一個人走得很近,我覺得我蠻喜歡他的。」啊,是嗎?你們認識多久了?「幾個禮拜吧。」進展到甚麼程度了?「該做的都做啦。」幾個禮拜?那怎麼一直沒跟我說?「我現在跟你說啦。」那是因為我問你,如果我不問你,你是不是一直不跟我說了?「應該還是會說吧。」那你們現在呢?是什麼關係啊?「應該算是在一起了吧。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 他最後的這句一浮現,我在路口立了良久。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「那很好欸,恭喜你。我最近也認識了一個對象,正在約會。照片?不想給你看。生氣,隨便你啊。我為什麼要跟你說啊?反正你也沒跟我說啊。」手指停了一晌,「好啦,等一下。」他收到照片,「床上很好啊,我們很契合。」我說。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">「嗯。」他回覆。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 又過了幾個街口,紅燈在對街燒起,我再次停下。「其實,我騙你的,根本沒有這個人,圖片我從網路上抓的。」不知怎地,我的內心一陣鼓譟。「你剛聽到的時候,有什麼感覺?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我發覺,自己還是挺想佔有你的。」他的語音訊息裡,一字一句都連綴千斤。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 一股熱騰從心窩湧出,漫山覆野。我撒了個謊,卻鉤上鋃鐺沉沉一串實話。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「他對我很好,也習慣了他在我身邊。但我沒那麼喜歡他,可能過一陣子就分手了吧。我們?我不知道,我們太遠了。況且我自己也還不確定我想要的是什麼。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我從小做春夢的時候,夢到的都是男生。夢到過女生的裸體,但是最後女生長了翅膀變成了天使。我變成了小孩子,被天使抱著飛走了。我在想,是不是男生能滿足我一部份的性欲,我以前和男生相處的時候特別覬覦他的下體;和女生我會變得更紳士,而且更能滿足我對於戀愛的追求。和你在一起滿足了我的精神追求,但缺少了戀愛的富足。精神追求是我對於性格上的鍛鍊,比如我的好奇心,一直成長的需求。但戀愛上,需要滿足。我以直以來對於戀愛有固定的想法和習慣,比如我覺得和女生談戀愛是對的,這是我的習慣,我也習慣於這種習慣,所以我在這種不需要改變的狀況下更舒適,要我打破這種習慣我會不舒服。和女生在一起更有安全感。我從小一直都是一個坦坦蕩蕩的人,和朋友也沒甚麼秘密,可是做一個<span lang="EN-US">Gay</span>好累。我不想再對不起男生了。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">「我想和你做朋友。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 他頓了一刻,又像口無盡的氣,「你自由了。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我站在荒野的十字上,連同靈與肉一併遺散,遠方是禿鷹盤旋的陰影。「我本來就是自由的啊。」我本來就是自由的啊,本來就是啊。又是細沙清水,他因何還在淺水裡趑趄不前,我卻是永恆地癡笑著。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我想做你的朋友。不知道對你是愛還是什麼感情了,有點依賴但又想脫離。你是我的秘密,但我也有些習慣了。特別希望你可以幸福,別在我身上浪費時間,如果你覺得是浪費時間的話。我拋棄你的同時,也是被你拋棄了啊。力的作用是互相的,這只是一個決定。我覺得對你有責任,但責任不只是愛,同樣也是不愛。愛的結局只是你期待的,但不一定是最好的。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我驟然想起了浪費和虛度的差別,我所想的始終都是虛度。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 但無論如何,什麼關係、什麼名分,這都毋寧是一輩子了。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 往後日子軌上奔馳,我試圖在繁忙的紐約城裡站穩重心,兢兢學習做個學生和藝術家。他則是被工作掩埋,幾乎無暇與新人相處。近日除了早已動工多時的家族企業溫泉旅館,還自己在外面租了教室,開補習班教數學。我們都被歲月推搡帶跑著,沒人持暇回首拋擲一聲嘆息。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 他某日在補習班,同我講述裝修、招生的種種艱辛,還有他與男友的疏離,「幾個禮拜沒見面了吧,」電話打來的時候,他看來有些疲倦。但室內一片窗明几淨,他伶伶一個人影在空蕩的教室裡顯得單薄。「現在在補習班,最近弄裝修呢,應該過陣子就好了。」他身旁混灑著些人聲,像孩子們在嬉鬧。「樓下是一個國小,可能是那邊的學生吧。教室就我一個人啊。」我一時好想念他,便縱我們扣打過無數次的視訊通話,我眼望他春夏過秋冬,長鬢短鬚,薄服厚衫。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">赫然我感覺自己需要他。我需要知道,自己尚未完全失去這一個人。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「把褲子脫了,」我對他說,「我要看你。」「幹嘛?」嘴上問著,但他並沒有太多的驚疑。「突然想要了?」他把褲頭褪下,黝黑的陰莖一下翻了出來,五指熟巧地攀上了自己的性器。「老婆,你好性感啊。」「我很想你。」那你呢?「我想你的小穴。」「我想你。」可是你。「我要進去了啊。」「啊,老公。」螢幕裡的他喘著氣,立在教室的課桌旁抽弄著他的下身,眉頭微鎖。遠處零稀的人聲像種淺淺的賀讚,抑或隱隱的咒謔,一方潔白的課室霎時被綴得淫麗不已。「好舒服啊,老婆,幹死你。」是啊,我從來不曾活過,若是沒有遇見你。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「啊,啊哈。」他的精液撒在白淨的桌面上,像是一點一滴地在望內鑽,又像汩汩地漫漲成道道白潮。我竟一時失語,只見得午後一盞金陽染得他眉目鑠鑠奪人。他方回過神,咧開一張笑靨。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「好啦,我先清理一下了。」他看了我一眼,溫柔仍舊,通明的黑瞳恰如那日。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white; font-family: inherit;"> 他從未遠離,他始終都還在,我仍是他心尖上最珍視的那個人。儘便他手攬新人,即使我此刻幾乎是在與他鑄下道德的罪,但他最愛的依舊是我。道德於真愛面前也僅如吱啞一般囁嚅。</span></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我決心要去找他,於二零一七的暑假,碩士學旅第一年結束。我亟欲回到中國,再見上他一面。若我能再見他,也許,真的也許。一路從年初喊到夏天,他始終未答應我,硬是拖著,我不理解他因何如此抗拒。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我不想讓你看到現在的我,這麼落魄。」他說了幾次同樣的話。當初我們相遇時,他身價百萬。如今不如往日,他龐大的自尊不允許他在另一個男人面前潦倒。</span></span><span class="textexposedshow"><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">「我不在意,我可以自己出錢。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">「但我在意。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「而且,他最近有點不高興。他一直知道你是他無法超越的存在,而且他知道我們還在聯絡。我想要好好地和他發展,他一直在我身邊。我們雖然老是吵架,也聊不來,但我需要他。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你不是說過根本不愛他,你們根本不合。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「是吧,但現在我們就在一起。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 那我們呢?你有沒有想過我們能夠復合?我們隨時都能。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我們沒有未來。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「嗯。」我深知他是一個善變的人,就像他始終不明白,或說不願明白自己的性向,或自己究竟愛什麼、想什麼。但我亦不在意,因為我執念在此與他虛度,以我所有的。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">不時,在公車車窗的倒影、夕陽下微寒的柔風,我都會想起他。每個空蕩的床側、每篇詩作、每個舞姿,都有他的遺跡。偶爾,我們依舊聊生活、聊性、聊愛。歲月靜好,不願奢望更多。而我不再提起自己要去中國找他,夏天回了一趟臺灣,在八月又回到了溽熱的紐約。他已經數日沒有回覆訊息,但先前也常這樣,工作一忙便什麼都忘了。只希望他過得好,即便那也已經與我無關。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 八月九日,我再傳了一封訊息給他,「又死啦?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「對方開啟了朋友驗證,你還不是他的朋友。請先自我介紹,對方接受後,才能聊天。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 不是朋友?等等,怎麼會<span lang="EN-US">……</span>?我們現在連朋友都不是了嗎?</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我一連傳送了好幾次朋友邀請給他,「搞什麼啊?」「你怎麼可以這樣。」「把話說清楚,我就離開。」守在螢幕前,緊瞪著任何變化。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">他終於通過了我的邀請,給了一個凝重的表情符號。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「什麼意思啊你。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「和你說了啊,他覺得我一直忘不了你,不高興了。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「反正你又不愛他。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我愛他。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「怎麼突然又愛了。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「不喜歡他的人,但是對我挺好的。不過他最近太煩了,還會看我的手機。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我以為在你的生命裡,我比他重要。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「但你是過去式了。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「雖然過去了,可是是生命裡很重要的一部分,對我來說。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「對我來說也是。他不想讓我聯繫你,覺得你對我太重要,我忘不掉你,說你是一道坎。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「所以怎樣,他叫你刪掉我,你就做了嗎?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我當然做了啊。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「為何。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「他是我的男朋友。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「覺得可以放下我了?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「嗯<span lang="EN-US">⊙_⊙ </span>他是我的男朋友,我不想傷害他。我很愛他。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「因為他對你好你就愛他啊?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「什麼亂七八糟。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你自己說的。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我愛他,就這樣。不想我的過去給他帶來傷害。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你說你不喜歡他,但他對你好,然後又說你愛他。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「喜歡和愛不一樣啊。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「差別在哪,跟我說說。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「不喜歡是因為和我生活過不到一塊去,很難溝通,但是我愛他,願意為他去改變我過去的習慣。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「那愛是哪裡來的?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我不知道啊。我不知道會不會分手,但至少我現在很愛他。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「怎麼可能會有不喜歡但是愛的狀況。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我啊,我就是啊。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你有病。那你愛他給你的感覺是什麼?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「安穩,溫馨,信任我。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你只是需要一個人在旁邊吧,像寵物一樣,但這段關係並沒有讓你更好。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你不要這麼說。你不許說他,他現在是我男朋友。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我沒有攻擊他,是你自己提出問題的。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「如果你有,我真的要徹底把你刪了,哈哈。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我沒必要說他,你自己清楚。我希望你快樂,你快樂就好。我只是想知道你對這段感情的看法,就像我們以前什麼都可以聊。不會因為你進入下一段關係就不一樣,你想要這樣的關係那就去做吧。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 有把溫火從喉際不斷上竄,煙硝哽嗆。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「為什麼,你能愛他,卻不能愛我了?」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「因為我變了。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我有時候會覺得自己蠻笨的,還是一直想你。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「可不是,想我幹嘛。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「過去就過去吧。」他這句話出口,像是字從來只是字一樣。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「我忙了哦。」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「掰掰。」</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 三日後的下午,我從一場長夢裡半醒。渾渾噩噩地拾起手機,發現他傳了一封語音訊息給我,我即刻點開,連忙地按響了訊息。</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「你要是還愛著李騖,你就來跟我爭。你要是想玩他,你就早滾。」</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 訊息裡是他的聲音,不帶情緒地說出這段文字。當我想回覆時,發現又再一次,他刪除了我。我不再傳送朋友邀請,僅握著手機發楞,良久,也沒意識到它何時已經落到了地上。出神地望著前方一片空虛,寒勁從夢裡抖竄出來,不想比噩夢更慘酷的竟是生活。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 李騖,我想起尼特那次聚會的一句話,不料再叫起這個名字,竟也成了最後一次。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 午後的橘陽蒸得室內濛濛一片,想起晏殊的〈踏莎行〉。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「小徑紅稀,芳郊綠遍,高臺樹色陰陰見。春風不解禁楊花,蒙蒙亂撲行人面。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">翠葉藏鶯,朱簾隔燕,爐香靜逐游絲轉。一場愁夢酒醒時,斜陽卻照深深院。<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「</span></span>一場愁夢酒醒時,斜陽卻照深深院。<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">」春暮如情尾,好大一聲巴掌。人還未醒,日已黃昏。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我不敢和人說,也不知怎麼與人說,只同一個高中時代的摯友傾吐。我叫他「就是<span lang="EN-US">T</span>」,因他在男同志社群裡始終跌跌撞撞、識人不清。我時常想,他不如當個<span lang="EN-US">T</span>,也許人生會輕鬆許多。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你們都不是當時彼此相愛,視對方為終身靈魂伴侶的人了。」就是<span lang="EN-US">T</span>回。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「你們都不在北京了,」回不去了,「你也不再是那個在北京讀書的江峰。」是嗎?可我總想著我還愛他,不是嗎?</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「該往前走了,江峰。」他甚少喚我江峰,我明白他有多認真。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我也很想,真的。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 從二零一五年六月十日,到二零一七年八月十二日,七百九十四個日子。其間我倆起起伏伏,永遠是兩座城市的距離。即便經歷中國那段糾結的歲月,以及分手,再到後來他與別人交往,我始終堅信我們的靈魂屬於彼此。直到那天,我真正第一次有了「失去」的感覺。分手從不等於失去,分手僅是關係的掠奪,但失去則是靈魂的大刑。而更殘忍的是,當愛上一個人,僅僅是在愛上的那一刻觸碰了他,此後便是永恆地放手。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我拉開抽屜,瞥見他送給我的內褲,他的內褲。在成都,我沒從北京帶多少衣服。「我的借你吧。」「你這都鬆掉了!」他從櫃子裡拿了一件塌垮的水藍色內褲,遞給了我。後來即便它給洗得越來越撐,我也捨不得丟,只放在抽屜裡。今後我每回滑開抽屜,都會看見它,靜靜地躺在那裡,像屍卻不臭不腐,一尊荒蕪的碑。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我打開手機,點出微信,已然月餘不曾收到他的訊息。但他的對話仍僵在頂端,腳尖佇立著,睥睨地憐憫。兩年前,我將它置頂,不曾想過會有解除的一日。如今它悄然下沉,成了第十七個,可能也永遠不會再浮升。我發現他換了張相片,他貌如個專業的補教名師。相片裡他笑容依舊,我卻再也無能熟悉了。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 相簿裡,他的照片都還在,甚至手機已然將他設定為一個「人物」。事實上他佔據了兩個席位,一個戴眼鏡的與一個沒戴眼鏡的他,畢竟科技不如我一般明瞭他。他曾主演過許多我的相片與影片,記憶體裡的明星。我每日都會看見他在我房間的牆上,熟睡的他還有與雉奴遊戲的他。那個鏡頭角度的背後,曾經有個人,死心塌地地以對他的愛為食。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我開始相信「魔鬼藏在細節裡」,或者細節本身便是魔鬼。生活的軌跡裡削下的靈魂碎片,它們繼而有了自己的生命,最後卻總選擇背叛。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 一個午後,我在床上靜躺,頭沉沉地枕在自己的左手上,髮絲跌進焚涼無定的指間。金橘的晚陽岔過窗外的逃生梯,鑽進臥室裡,溫良地把室內的殘忍空空點亮。看著曠白如魚肚的天花板,我赫然無因地淚流不止。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 「透著一片迷濛的光 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 匯成一片靜默的海 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 擋住我往前 擋住了 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 幸福的知覺 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 你總是擁抱我 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 說你喜歡這樣的溫度 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 可是沒說你愛我 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 你沒說 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 親愛的 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 換我說了 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我不要你了 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 我不愛你了 </span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 你走吧」</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 〈陌生的房間陌生的下午〉一時如潮水般掩來。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 此刻我又再次看見自己於海邊,而他在淺海的光束裡乍顯還逝。我半身入水,即將自由。看著他的蜃影,還不時與我招手。斜陽眩目,再眨眼時才了悟他早已遠離,潛去海底,深深幾許。我卻仍在半陸貪乾,渴哽無語。我再一次想到莊子,還有教授所說的「忘」。我分明已然做到,卻為何仍在受罰?我只是卑微地、低到了塵埃裡地愛著一個人。這時我才明白,愛令自己仍有期待,僅是不為對方做決定遙遙是不夠的。因而我回不去大海,思念的屍永佇潮線上受刑,為執所苦。不為對方做決定僅是浪漫的自瞞,我仍在深愛,仍在等待。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 這場似為而非為的淚祭,巴望著超渡我的地縛與他的蜃影。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;">終究一躍,縱身大海,他的笑靨沖過腦後。但我澄澈,清楚他在這片海的某處,天地浮游。那樣便足矣,淺如片刻的我們的愛,永遠安然生死於這片海中。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 一代宗師裡的一句臺詞:「世間所有的相遇,都是久別重逢。」我不曾細想這句話,直到現在。我不再相信世事有絕對的始止。我並非直到遇見他的那一刻才開始愛他,而是過往的每一步、每個決定,都刻劃著我愛他的緣分。在遇見他前,我路過眾人,嘻笑怒罵。臺中臺北,以至走遍中國,最後回歸北京,只為與他相遇,然後用我們的相遇去複習我們闊別的此生。即便此刻,看似已然止息的當下,我寫下的一字一句仍穩穩刻在我倆的故事裡。當下即成未來,如此後設的愛情。縱然筆停燈歇,故事仍在低語,冥冥安待下一回相遇。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 一個午後,我與凌世見面,兩人走在街上亦說亦笑。最後來到一棟樓前,我看向他,表情有些緊張,他的語氣難得溫柔:「我們一起,好嗎?走吧。」走入室內,倆人緩緩坐下。一個男人走近,他坐在我的對面,我有些侷促地笑了笑。午後的陽光斜進窗裡,在我空空如也的手上斑斕,像海裡的光柱。我想起了那個始終不曾來到的手串,幾乎要無淚地泫泣,卻又會心,淺淺莞爾。連同他曾說過的那個未知的禮物,我淡然明白,此生再沒人能以更珍貴的東西相報。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"> 然後男人開口,我笑了笑,告訴他。</span></span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「你好,我想要刺青。刺兩隻魚:一隻金魚,一隻鬥魚。」</span></span></span><br />
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><b>後記</b><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">這篇花了兩個月寫完,再加上一個月連載,一共三個月。有太多東西可以說了,可能後記本身也能自成一篇。有趣的是,即便在寫後記的當下,我都感覺自己仍在那個故事裡書寫那個故事。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">原本沒有打算這麼早寫這一篇,畢竟它可能是我目前人生中最「精彩」的一段。但因事發突然,我感覺自己必須透過書寫來處理自己的情緒和感想。即使要回想所有的片段是非常折騰的,不僅是情緒上的,也是對我這個「阿茲海默」患者的酷刑。可怕的是,每當想起一個新的細節,「啊,當初還發生過這件事」,都再再提醒我,一段感情必須透過多少細節撐起,而那些也往往是落幕後人們最難割捨的。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">前面雖然已經寫了三篇小說,卻直到這篇我才感覺自己真的在「布局」。此篇我非常用心地設定和使用「文學」的筆法,自己感覺精巧,但不知道讀者們能夠攫取多少。我個人最喜歡的便是貫串通篇的比喻,什麼比喻?別問我。再來便是文學筆法裡常用的一個叫做「<span lang="EN-US">Foreshadow</span>」,中文可以翻作「伏筆」或者「預兆」。我並沒有刻意加入虛構的故事元素,而是仔細地回想細節,再將其前後串起,才發現:「天啊,原來當初的許多時刻都已經在告訴我這個故事將如何收尾。」也因此思考,小說,或者戲劇本身跟真實生活也就這麼細細的一線之隔。當然故事還有更多細節,多到我自己都不知道要怎麼說。如果你看到這裡,也許可以再回頭讀一次,可能會發現更多有趣的地方。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">書寫到第四篇,我竟然已經可以明顯感覺到自己寫作技巧和文字上的進步,雖然可能也只是幻覺,但我還是很開心能感受到自己的進步。這一篇的文字我自己非常喜歡,有許多段落我自己反覆閱讀都還是覺得:「嗯……寫得蠻好的。」好,不自戀了,但真心希望讀者們能夠喜歡,並能細細品味我的每一個用字,因為我的的確確是一字一句雕出來的。我可能會僵在一句話上反覆思考,「即使」和「即便」的差別、動詞能不能用得更有創意,或者形容詞要怎麼組合才能傳達出畫面。疲累,但這也是我喜歡寫作的最大主因之一。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">此外,遠距離關係非常難寫,敘事零碎,互動幾乎得由文字構成,鮮少動作,畫面難成。但這也許是未來小說的寫作趨勢,我的作品從開始到現在時常處理網路與性/愛的錯織,也許這就是我們這一代人的宿命與課題。我還未良好地掌握這樣的新型書寫方式與題材,未來會繼續努力。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">後來我再去回想這一段關係,其實有不少遺憾與疑惑。最後一次見面,他送我上計程車前,索取的那個我沒有給出的擁抱。於彼刻,沒有人明白那將會是兩個如此相愛之人最終一次會面。命運一如既往地殘忍,懲罰著人們每個當下的錯誤,烙成遺憾。而在旅館兩人無由地哭泣的一幕,我這輩子,也許都不會再碰到那樣子的景況了。甚至在此刻,我依然無法言喻那是怎樣的感情,像是一種太愛、太恨、太滄桑的夢話。仍舊艱辛的是,要放下一個你早已認定要寄予他一生一世的人。當兩個人共同走過那麼多地方,一起聽過那首雋永的情詩,怎麼能夠不確信彼此就是對方的靈魂伴侶?是啊,如他所述,他變了。也如我所說的,愛上的那一刻,你們的靈魂緊密貼合,此後只是不斷變質。但,若幸運的話,人們會在變化的時時刻刻裡貼合,永恆地回歸彼此。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">其實寫完後在閱讀時,間或感覺自己的口吻聽起來十分自溺,如描寫對這段關係信念的段落。一方面我害怕是自己身為書寫者的失敗,另一方面我更害怕的是,這個腳色、這個人,從頭到尾對這段關係都只是一廂情願,也就是自溺。我沒有答案,只能荒在時間裡等待。還記得〈初戀那件大事〉裡腳色對於初戀的詰問嗎?這就是那個「初戀」的故事。如果一個人初戀便遇上了這樣一段感情,該如何再去接受那些浮濫、粗淺的故事與情意呢?如果他夠寂寞,也許吧。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">尼特其實還說過一句話,在最近我們的群組訊息裡,我不時還是會提到「以前李騖都會……」。他說:「不要再提前男友了好嗎?很慘。」我一直在思考「慘」的原因是什麼,是因為這段感情已經在名分上畫下句點,還是因為它如此的結束,便不能再讓我以美好的口吻來引用它?就是<span lang="EN-US">T</span>也問我,為何要把他刺在我的身上,他以為我想刺的兩隻魚僅是廣義的自我與他人的代表。但我不能,因為這隻魚就是屬於他的,這個故事正因為有他而存在。我亦不會因為最後看似悲「慘」的結局來否定我們曾經有過的一切。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">我深深地體會到,現代人是多麼地拙劣地處理「傷疤」。每當關係形式上地結束,人們不是仔細審視獲得與失去,而是故作瀟灑地進入下一段關係,或者全然拒絕開啟未來。在過程中他們過往的傷口會被一再觸碰:再也不敢談遠距離戀愛、再也不吃曾經愛吃的甜品、再也不路過曾居住兩年的那條街,這些都是傷疤。我終究意識到,世界要你把瘡疤都藏起來,它眼裡見不得一張哭哭啼啼的臉,於是人們才能繼續言不由衷地「談戀愛」。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">不知為何,我總想要道歉,對所有以為這篇小說會有「美好」結局的讀者;也不知為何,我更想與自己道歉。我著墨許多關於「真愛」的想法,但最後卻是如斯結局,連我自己也沒有想到。但或許這就是最好的收尾,「沒有結局」。只要我還活著,還在書寫,這個故事就一直在被謄改著。當我說每段關係都沒有開始與結束,也在表達這些經驗如何居宿在我們身體裡,以及我們要如何學習與它們共存。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">其實,在這幾週連載的過程中,他突然又傳了訊息給我,在三個月之後。我發現自己沒有辦法再雲淡風輕地與他閒話如舊,也許那個傷口太痛了,還未化做「傷疤」,可憐我的莊子訓練也還不夠透徹呀。但我訝異的是,如同我自己所寫,我們永遠都不知道世事將如何始終。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">仔細一想,這竟然只是我第二次寫性愛場景,怎麼覺得已經描繪過很多場面了?可能是常在幻想的關係?剛開始斟酌了一會兒,關於「生殖器」的用字,最後選擇用「陰莖」和「屌」等詞。曾經想過這些字是否太過粗俗,或者該不該用一些隱喻的寫法,如「碩大」(但根本不)、「炙熱」(其實溫到不行)、「男根」(?)或者陽物(現在是要開始修練《九陰真經》嗎?)。但它們可能會讓我錯覺自己正在創作耽美或武俠小說。我希望自己筆下人物的性都是真實的。去掉雕飾,直見關係。況且我不想說謊,但也不能就寫一句「他的『不大』」或「他的『還好』」吧?<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">「我一翻身,將他的還好順入嘴裡。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">讀者:「?????」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">或者「他的細長頂入我的身體,我感到自己的存在被劃破了一點。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">這既不美,也不淫靡。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">陽具在我的故事裡不是賴以創造「夢幻性愛」的道具,而是活生生的人,他們的身體、他們的關係如何在性的活動中被具象。即便愛一個人,與他的性不會也不該因而雞犬升天,他們之間的性可能是極為平凡的,然而這便是人生的實相。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">這一篇我也試圖實驗不同性場景的寫法以及目的,我期望性不僅為滿足觀者的性欲,而是真正作為小說內容推進的動力。最難寫的一段便是視訊性行為的一幕,文字與被媒體中介的性間的對話非常有趣。這也讓我不禁思考,也許視訊性行為本身便是一種意識流,在自我與他人的身體和想像之間編碼和解體。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">我現在開始非常謹慎地使用文字,如當我使用「做愛」、「性」與「性行為」時都是經過思考,我也幾乎不再使用「性愛」一詞,只為停止人們將性與愛強制連結的思維。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">最後,我不知道為何在小說創作的早期於後記裡留下這一句話:<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">「我的任性,他的包莖。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">到底為何寫出這一句話啊,誰能救救我這個金魚腦!<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow"><span style="background: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">江峰 寫於二零一八年一月六日凌晨二時</span></span><br />
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江峰http://www.blogger.com/profile/08708944434469072889noreply@blogger.com26Brooklyn, NY, USA40.6781784 -73.944157940.4854094 -74.266881399999988 40.8709474 -73.6214344tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-39067987466206530322017-07-27T10:24:00.000-04:002018-01-30T13:43:07.029-05:00潮弄之後:讀紀大偉《同志文學史:台灣的發明》<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 此年之初,我著手實現於國中萌生的想法,書寫,同時也是正面目入自己的生命。梳理歷史就像為來路點燈,好踮望前程。而不僅個人,宏觀的時間與空間如何影響個體亦是舉足輕重。近日與友相借紀大偉先生著作《同志文學史:台灣的發明》,數回車程與黃昏,沉入屬於臺灣當代的「異史」。為釐清在花葉繁盛、眾聲鼎沸的二零一七,島國「同志」與「同志文學」該如何前後兩望。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 屬於臺灣的「同志」一詞在書中獲得鉤沉,並不單純作為「</span><span lang="EN-US">Gay</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">」或「</span><span lang="EN-US">Homosexual</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">」等詞之翻譯,而是從清末、中國共產黨再至日文漢字後歸來的一場文字旅歷。該詞從孫文之名言「革命尚未成功,同志仍須努力」脫胎,並在九零年代成為取代「同性戀」之美化詞。而「酷兒」一詞相對於「同志」所隱含的正面、「(與主流社會)求同」的態度,則強調「殊相」以及叛變。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 紀大偉先生在文中曾點明為何不使用「同性戀文學」或「酷兒文學」二詞,因「含納」範圍和能力的差異,來自於「同性戀」一詞的時代意義與汙名以及「酷兒」本身的排他性。綜觀全書,自始至終主軸都在於將「同志文學」定義為「領域」,其為「使讀者感受到同性戀」的文本,非視作「文類」。此種做法,阻絕了標籤(</span><span lang="EN-US">Label</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">)的生成,讓同志文學這個初生的稚子能作為一種「公眾歷史」逐漸壯大。此外更提到同志文學領域中「虛、假、無」之主體,其可能為讓人感受到同性戀主體效果但不必為同性戀之人事物,甚至是不存在的曖昧主體。為的便是雜揉同性戀、異性戀以及雙性戀,張開讓所有認同形式皆能安藏於下的大傘,無異提供一座情慾的文字烏托邦。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 此處卻浮現一可議之處,在於「同志」一詞所隱含的「正面」意義終究圈限「性相(</span><span lang="EN-US">Sexuality</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">)」的更多可能性。原為好意採「同志文學」之含納能力,卻也忽略了同志社群內部之紛雜。現今臺灣之</span><span lang="EN-US">LGBTQIA</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">社群,早已溢出「同志」的大傘,內部價值觀林立。</span><span lang="EN-US">BTQIA</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">族群並不一定認同自身為「同志」。此分類名稱更突顯,臺灣社會長期以「同志社群」涵蓋所有性少數族群,及其背後所涵涉之曝光不均與權利不平等。而紀大偉先生所言,「同志」一詞所隱含之「人道」主義(不論性取向,大家都是人)思想,能夠容納叛逆的酷兒,反之卻不然。而問題是,倘若酷兒不意為人收編呢?在收編的同時是否也同化與消弭了族群內部的異聲。以「同志文學」一詞意圖廣涵上至六零年代之作品,立意良善。但其或許能涵蓋在此之前的性少數文學,但自此開始所有性別、性取向之異彩更殊,「同志」一詞所壓抑、美化的慍怒與陰鬱,以及其再現(</span><span lang="EN-US">Representation</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">)異議能力的低落,是否也絕斷了「同志文學」自身的後路?</span> <span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 即便如此,仍是無法削減此書對於我的啟發。全書最令我詫異的便是第四章〈誰有美國時間—一九七○年代男同性戀「者」〉,其中描寫七零年代之男同志於時間和空間上對於美國之綺想。那個年代的男同志開始普遍地出現「朝聖」心態,認為美國是同性戀者的烏托邦,進而刻繪他們如何夢碎身夭。四十餘年後的今日,美帝的文化殖民依舊如火如荼。空間上,以洛杉磯、舊金山與紐約等大城市為首,仍為許多臺灣男同志的夢想天堂,雋刻成性別、性向、性行為的自由國度,更少歧視、更多真愛。甚深踏足後才知曉那實為更加險惡,膚色近乎原罪的一座慾望批發場。時間上,現今同志逃逸傳統時間觀,避開婚戀、成家等父權軸徑的路線仍以美國為一大宗。以學業或工作為由而進入的美國酷兒時間領域,蕩逸在情與慾的他鄉。帶進第七章出現的「液體現代性」(</span><span lang="EN-US">Liquid Modernity</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">)一併討論,在後殖民(</span><span lang="EN-US">Postcolonialism</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">)的脈絡下,強權以意識形態操控弱勢,在臺灣當代的同志文學中,美國的影翳於空間與時間上如同液體般滲透個人生存認同機制。人們終日在電影、影集、翻譯小說、學術專著等文本中,被在在召喚成一個個文化他者。朝聖至今仍在持續徵召中,死傷未還。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 然作為一本史書,《同志文學史:台灣的發明》實有些許未竟之處。在性(性相)、同志及文學的層層截篩後所呈現出的菁英文本,缺少通俗文學的證例,如網路小說、輕小說、部落格及</span><span lang="EN-US">BBS</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">等樸質養分。一如紀大偉先生開宗明義之言,「同志文學」而非「酷兒文學」,叛變、藏竄的小徑如同遭到阻斷。其二,在結尾及其後,並未點清臺灣「同志文學」的困境,而困境總是與生機一體兩面。興許與全書之根本問題相絆,因採用「同志」一詞,光彩平和,因而沒能呈現文學趨向所暗藏的社會伏流,包含群體內部紛爭、社會主流與性少數權益問題、宗教與媒體霸權文本等,錯讓人以為臺灣「同志」與「同志文學」前景一片光榮,此後再無下話可言。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 二零一七之今,現代性仍逕如海潮般席捲大戶小角,比前代而言甚至更詭譎難捉。作為一個臺灣同志與酷兒,書寫同志文學及酷兒文學,從同志文學史及酷兒文學史順流而下至此,認同的功課已變得零碎難任,我該如何書寫一個臺灣人的國族定位、同志與酷兒身分周旋、東方他者的西方情欲旅行,這些課題彼此交織相鯁。但若局勢險譎,人亦可奸巧,認同的困境亦標示著游擊的可能,不如補充彈藥,壯大再攻,擇戰且巧戰</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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江峰http://www.blogger.com/profile/08708944434469072889noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-22250654412832393332017-05-29T23:38:00.002-04:002017-11-16T02:24:34.245-05:00接觸即「性」<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"> 「接觸即興,藝術版的群交。」</span><br />
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 頭一次體會到這件事,是在紐約的某個早晨,到教室上了堂即興課。即興的源頭來自於每個當下的意念,都由軀體誠實的映射。身即心,不需雜念,回身投溺進動覺的海洋。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 接觸即興,舞者史提夫‧派克斯頓在七零年代的紐約確立的一種舞蹈形式。我的第一個老師告訴我,接觸即興是種溝通,人與人之間,以身對話。我們如何透過肢體傳達訊息,或呢喃、或豪語地使他人理解,更重要的則是傾聽。在聽與說之間揉合彼此的意向,共就一場肉體對談。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 我相信人是極度渴望被碰觸的,但在這個時代,即便食與性的慾念都能被快速回充,人們被碰觸的慾望卻始終饑不能止。身體若是我們當世靈魂的居所,在最真實的、不必關聯任何情慾的碰觸之中,他人身體所接遞的溫度、皮膚上的紋理以及肌肉的質地,種種資訊,在肉體黏合的一剎那,使兩個孤獨的靈魂容器彼此灼燒,並將這倏忽即逝的逆旅淺淺扎根。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 那一個早晨,課堂上來了一個可愛的男孩藍尼,整堂課我都期待著與他共舞。人群在教室裡流動,但不知為何我們總處於兩端。直到課堂的最後,教師分配三人同舞,我和他與另一名男子分在了一組。我發覺自己有些興奮,期待著他的碰觸,並猜想著,他的身體。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 三人初始時,緩緩地靠近彼此,以手怯怯地挪近對方,探測著當下在群體間流動的肉身意識。慢慢地,三具軀體開始交纏,我緩緩爬上了另一個人的背,瞬間散了些力氣,順著他的側腰滑下,游到了藍尼的腳邊。我的臉頰貼著他的腳背,倏地聚神聆聽,這兩個不常會首的陌生部位間的密語,嘈嘈切切。接著我開始向上迴轉,一路滾到了他堅實的大腿上,就著他以及地板所給予的力,我支撐著到達他的胸膛,頭溫緩輕巧地合上,周遭一片靜悄,只剩下我與他的呼吸聲。右手此時順著他的上臂,一吋一吋地啃嚙著,蠶食到他的手掌,我們緩緩地握起彼此的手。還輕靠著的頭順著他的肩線,流到了後背,另一個人爬過我們兩個人之間,奪走了我的重量,下一刻我被兩人支撐著在空中遊動。半晌後三人都到了地上,恍惚地在彼此的股腹之間流竄,獻祭彼此的溫度及汗水,膜拜這場繁妙的肉體暢談。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 結束時,三人大汗淋漓,我躺在地上,望著篩進室內的暖陽出神。我很確定方才經歷的是一場性愛、一場群交。那時地上,三人在彼此身際遊走,我清晰地看見了另一人鼓脹的褲檔。那是由碰觸所激起的原始身體本能,無關邪念,而是純粹的感官放縱。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span><span style="color: #666666;"> 自此我開始越發思索身體與性的關係。什麼是性?必須得與性器官相聯方能稱作性嗎?或者,性是透過身體來滿足慾望的一種活動,它的形式可以是多元的,如同每一個人做愛的方式都不同,誰又能說我們三人所經歷的不能說是「性」?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 《性愛巴士》的導演約翰‧卡麥隆‧米契爾來到課堂上與我們對談時,說過一句極為簡單,卻令我震驚的話。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 「一個人如何做愛,標示了關於他的很多事情。」</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 若我要為這句話加上第一個標註,便是,一個人如何做愛,標示了關於他的很多事情。也許,關於他的「所有」事情。性是身體的活動,而身體極度誠實。於此,第二個標註便是:「一個人如何使用身體,標示了關於他的所有事情。」</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 其來有自於接觸即興教會我的另一件事,身體裡隱藏的自我比想像中要多出許多。我的第一位老師還說過,在接觸即興中,人們永遠只能「建議」,從而選擇順從或者抵抗,沒有人能夠真的擲出任何「決定」。彼此身體的沉默對話裡,在毫秒間由參與者所共築的意向,都來自任何一方的「建議」。我緩緩游向他的手,他能夠選擇晃過,或者牽起。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 接觸即興就如同一段「關係」的肉身具象。一段舞裡,除了人與人,還有個極為重要的元素,地面。若放在關係裡看,地面也許能是「空間」,或者「脈絡」,所有促成、支撐、延續我愛你的因與果。若一人始終將自己的重量全然傾注到他人的身上,這段關係勢將崩頹,因為沒人能夠或應該撐起另一個靈魂的重量。若一人不能將自己的重量交付,好讓兩人共同思索如何把多餘的力送進地面,持續角力的二人終將氣力竭盡。人們必須彼此擺渡,在這個危如薄冰的重量遊戲裡小心輕放自己的絲絲感情。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 我驚覺自己始終是那個嚷著需要的人,即便是在這個只能輕語渴望的情感現實裡,我仍執意主導。希望能夠與他親近,希望他能帶我飛離原地,希望他能緊扣我的手心,種種的希望,種種的重量。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 事實是,當我在索求的同時,也必須給予。期望飛舞離地,就必須先施力向下。即使是在一段關係中位下支撐的人,也必須領受上者所給予的力而得以頂立。可能,世上不存在一段沒有重量的愛情,或說,愛情的本質便是重量。給予彼此的重,牢牢地將兩人定錨於一段關係中,若是散力兩人便即刻瓦解,關係不復存在。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 米蘭昆德拉在《生命中不能承受之輕》裡寫道:「最沉重的負擔,同時也是一種生活最為充實的的象徵,負擔越沉,我們的生活也就越真實。」</span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666;"> 那個午後,我躺在教室的地板,思索著身體,還有愛情。</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666;"> 如果可以,學習把自己交與地面,只留一點點重量,好讓我的靈魂不至漂流。</span><br />
<span style="color: #666666;"> 一點點重量,好讓我還記得愛,還記得性,還記得生命必然承受之重。</span></div>
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江峰http://www.blogger.com/profile/08708944434469072889noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-63578441952044551592017-04-25T23:38:00.003-04:002017-05-30T17:31:26.064-04:00生<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">手書|鳳琳 Lynn</td></tr>
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江峰http://www.blogger.com/profile/08708944434469072889noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-81308582456910203392017-04-02T21:01:00.002-04:002018-01-30T13:43:41.015-05:00我們都是迪恩<div>
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二零一六的下半我來到紐約,上學期時值美國大選,結果宣布後,當我們全班首次聚集在一起,系主任希望聊聊關於整個事件我們的感受。我的系上同學由各種你能想到的弱勢族群組成,黑人、美國原住民、亞斯伯格症患者、亞洲人、同性戀、跨性別者等。大家都因川普當選而感到情緒低落,甚至憂鬱。其實我原本並不瞭解,究竟川普當選能為常民的生活帶來多大的災難。同學們紛紛表示,他們在街上不再感到安全,尤其是經過插滿了川普競選旗幟的區域。此後因為川普對於少數族裔、少數性傾向的壓迫,讓我那陣日子始終感覺隱隱的低靡。</div>
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其中有一位我的同學佩姬,他與我們分享了某天早晨他與十二歲兒子的對話。他兒子早晨戴了一個彩虹手環和笑臉徽章在胸前。佩姬問他的兒子:「你知道你戴的東西代表什麼意思嗎?」他一向對於「符號」相當敏感。「當然知道啊。因為我想要支持迪恩。」他兒子回道。</div>
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迪恩是他兒子一個同年的朋友,本來是女孩,叫作艾琳,但最近正在經歷轉變期,現在叫作迪恩。本來這個社會對於跨性別者的敵意就已十足強烈,更遑論在川普當選後,所有對於性少數的霸凌更將加劇。他兒子和一群朋友希望能夠站出來保護萊恩。</div>
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「他總是這樣一個善良的孩子。其他親戚常說他看起來很軟弱,可能是同性戀。你知道嗎?如果他是同性戀,我會加倍地愛他。」佩姬在課堂上如此說著。「我不在意別人覺得我是同志,我只想讓萊恩知道我們都會願意為他站出來。」他兒子這樣對他說。</div>
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「你是我認識最勇敢的人。」佩姬看著他的兒子,微笑地說。</div>
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「一個十二歲的孩子,我不認為他了解什麼叫做政治,他只是單純地想要保護他的朋友。」</div>
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不知何時我早已淚盈眼眶。</div>
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我想起了自己,從小在家族裡我就是那個格格不入的、「軟弱」的孩子,我也很確信旁人從沒斷過閒話。但我的軟弱教會了我什麼是愛,還有同理他人那顆渴望愛的心。</div>
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自從來到美國,我開始了解臺灣的人們有多麼幸福,幸福到我們以為自己有足夠的資本去剝奪別人的權利。在美國,每日都有人因為種族、宗教、性傾向而受到言語或者身體上的攻擊。當一個十二歲的孩子選擇為他的跨性別朋友站出來,卻仍能在另一個角落看見有人正以愛之名而行恨之實。</div>
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當我來到這個國家,變身為「弱勢」之時,才了解到,原來純粹地擁有、享受愛是多麼昂貴,而那一雙雙恐懼的眼神背後藏著多麼渺小的對於愛的希冀。如果你能夠明白,有多少人僅僅只是為了「活著」就得付出莫大的代價,你會瞭解有些人們所以為的「愛」有多麼淺薄。</div>
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我們每個人都是迪恩,我們都是迪恩。<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-100991932944510172017-03-25T15:02:00.000-04:002017-03-25T15:20:55.422-04:00有沒有一種可以真正躲起來的方法<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Uw5TgVfUKfk/WNa9xgV3s2I/AAAAAAAALzw/bnqgGwmipFsB8GaOB1iG6Pm3NpIWTEaygCLcB/s1600/unnamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="298" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Uw5TgVfUKfk/WNa9xgV3s2I/AAAAAAAALzw/bnqgGwmipFsB8GaOB1iG6Pm3NpIWTEaygCLcB/s400/unnamed.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">手書| 鳳琳 Lynn</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">如果化作塵埃</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">闖進人們的眼裡</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">滾成淚水</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">如果化作空氣</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">四海浮泊</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">判處永久遷徙</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">如果化作雨水</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">隔著一張傘的距離</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">淡忘親密的定義</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">如果化作陽光</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">塗抹溫度</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">妄想再次被直視</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">如果化作一棵樹</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">太習慣被棲息</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">說不出口道別</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">躲起來</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10.0pt;">卻不等於不存在</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-16734937676826900972017-03-18T08:50:00.002-04:002018-01-30T13:44:21.641-05:00怕痛的人<br />
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比起湧進自己視野裡的新的人群,我總是更在意那些從生命裡離開的背影。<br />
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他們的背影決絕堅定,還是揮手蕭瑟。<br />
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戀情的盛放期,許多人都會選擇在社群媒體上記錄下感情的點滴。或豪語、或呢喃地欣喜自身的幸福。<br />
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但當舊面孔不再出現,或者替換了一張新的臉龐,我總是偷偷地揣想:「那是什麼感覺?」<br />
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點進朋友的頁面,發現有關於從前那個人的一切都被抹去了。我訝異,不在於揣測背後的原由,只因人們進入和離去彼此的生命裡,能夠如此地無聲無息。<br />
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那是什麼感覺?<br />
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生命似被刪去了一段。<br />
可能是釋懷地剪去龐雜,抑或是忍痛揮刀割去。<br />
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佛洛伊德:「哀悼是將『欲』從他者身上回收的過程。」<br />
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我始終莫名以為這個概念很美。<br />
代表了,當人們渴望他者,如同切割了自己的一塊,交予了對方。<br />
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尾聲時,甚至必須由你來取回那一部分的自己。<br />
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多麼殘忍。<br />
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當越多身影來去生命裡,人們該如何反覆承受這樣的擺盪?也許現代人的愛情總越愛越累,是因為這個理由吧。我們都不曾思索過自己在這樣的過程裡,留下了多少縫合補貼的疤瘡。<br />
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如果愛是如此一種自刑,那我能不能一生只為一人,因為太怕痛了。<br />
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「一輩子對於一份愛情太短了,連思念都不夠」<br />
—— 余秀華《我們總是在不同的時間裡遇見》<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-80166763183360689062017-03-10T21:31:00.000-05:002018-01-30T13:44:04.883-05:00紅人與美感:續篇<br /><a name='more'></a><div>
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「那些健身的人從來沒有宣稱自己在創作藝術吧,還要對當代美感負責,有點衰。」</div>
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當我說他們再製當代無聊的美感想像,不代表我覺得他們正在創作藝術。但他們對自己的身體形象所進行的改造,極有可能代表了他們認為的身體的「美」(除非他們正在進行反抗自身美感的社會實驗)。而所謂美感不一定僅限藝術作品的領域,我們很常看廣告或者大眾文化範疇中的各類作品,不也會評論他們的美感與品味嗎?</div>
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一個文化如何對於美,或者更限定的說,身體的美產生固著的想像,必須要從宏觀面去檢視。在當代普遍強調男性陽剛肉體以及女性陰柔肉體的美的狀況下,再現這些美的狀態於身體上,我認為是會對於其他身體樣態的族群造成壓迫的,例如身材瘦弱或者身材豐腴的人,更別說身障者。在同志社群中,對於身體和青春的崇拜是明顯的文化現象,所以當這樣的美一再地被呈現,他們所擁有的權力與資源勢必會排擠到族群中其他人的權益與生活。當然回到個人層面,每個人有權利選擇要如何約束和呈現自己的身體,但我希望提出來反思的是,我們一直所以為的美到底是為何而形成?而不斷擁護這樣的價值,又會使我們失去多少欣賞別的美的存在的可能。</div>
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「首先你說『我並沒有說他們這樣不好』,但是你後面說『他們再製當代無聊的美感想像』,我不太懂這兩件事是否衝突。所以一個人不可以覺得肌肉很美然後健身嗎,不然會壓迫其他身體樣態的族群嗎? 瘦弱、豐腴、身障都有自己的美,肌肉就特別美感貧弱嗎? 那如果健身是他的自我追求,這樣也要被批判嗎? 我不太懂你為何不是強調各種不同身體型態的美,而是單一攻擊健身練出來的肌肉。」</div>
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對我來說是不衝突的。描述現象的確得從結構面著手,但結構終究是由個體組成,架空而完全由宏觀面去評論文化會十分虛幻,我認為同時得從不同層面和角度去分析。「他們再製當代無聊的美感想像」這個批評本身無關「善惡」,而是描述一個我認為的事實。所以我不是在說「他們這樣好糟喔!」而是「當大家都這樣的時候,我們能不能那樣?」或者「為什麼大家都要那樣?」</div>
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這一篇文章的後半段我其實轉而專注討論美,雖然他們本人並沒有覺得自己在創作藝術作品,但若將身體比作藝術,人們所追求的身體美到底該如何在各個時代,或者說在歷史的軸線上去審思。所以我說,這樣的壯碩美滿足的當代人們的審美品味,成為了它們在當代的美感任務,但若品味轉變了,這樣的身體樣態真的還是最美的嗎?人們還會如此趨之若鶩嗎?我希望能夠反思的是這個。</div>
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可以覺得肌肉很美然後健身啊,但是這樣的美不斷地被放大後,的確壓縮了其他的美被傳播的空間不是嗎?在電影、廣告、網路中隨處可以看見對於這樣形象的再現。同樣地又回到了,個人有選擇的自由,但若這樣的選擇加劇了體制的失衡,我認為是需要被批評和反思的。我覺得這是策略問題,當一方獨大之時,必須要從各個角度著手,同時批評解構這樣強勢的美感樣態,也同時試圖讓其他美的可能曝光,但現在的問題是,這樣的形象已然佔據了所有人的目光,那我們能怎麼做?必須讓每個人,包括正在複製這樣的美的人去反思,自己的舉動會不會排擠到其他人的生存空間,然後開始去注意到其他美的可能性。</div>
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我覺得類似的例子可以想想,好萊塢白人霸權文化,所有演員或者故事幾乎都以白人出發,可是白人只會覺得:「我們只是在作自己啊!」但他們有沒有壓縮到其他種族,黑人、美洲原住民或者亞洲人在主流媒體上的聲音呢?</div>
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個人在體制之下很難只能作為個人而存在,我們的任何決定都影響和改變著結構。但這也是我們為何如此無力的原因,因為有無數的個人存在著,只有每個人都覺醒了,整個體制才有改善的可能。</div>
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「我認為你的本文主題非常分散,後半跟前半的連結非常牽強,而且根據你的回應,你後半的反思建立在『將健身紅人的身體比做藝術』之上,與你在先前回應中說的『不代表我覺得他們正在創作藝術』以及『所謂美感不一定僅限藝術作品的領域』矛盾,訊息非常雜亂。</div>
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你提到了『電影、廣告、網路』,我不知道你的網路指的是什麼,但你今天批判的是社群平台上的人,電影廣告是物,是你說的作品,你沒有資格把社群平台上的人的生活方式比擬成作品然後加以批判,我認為這在本質上是相當嚴重的錯誤。</div>
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請不要開白人霸權新主題,很偏題。好萊塢是一個產業,是一個文化,你可以批判產業與文化,你不可以批判人。」</div>
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我不認為有辦法批判價值觀而不批判人,除非價值觀能先於人而存在。</div>
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「將健身紅人的身體比做藝術」與「不代表我覺得他們正在創作藝術」有根本上的差別。以英文的文法來說,前者的概念是Body AS art,後者則是Body IS art,希望你理解其中的差異。詳細可能可以先去讀一些表演研究的理論,會比較理解「實際作為某物」,和將其「以某物的狀態來分析」的差異。</div>
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廣告、電視是從人出發,再現的也是人的理念,我不認為批評他們和批評人有什麼本質上的差異。除非你認為他們是與人無關的、「不真實」的存在。所謂的產業、文化、作品,都是從人而來的。</div>
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「你的意思是這樣嗎:『你敢說去健身的人不是為了擁有被愛慕的生理條件?好吧可能有,但我不是要講他們喔。』</div>
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你不能開完地圖砲以後,再說你要開的不是地圖砲。如果你要點名批判某種特定的群體,這個群體內有特定追崇的價值,那你一開始就要把條件設定清楚啊。</div>
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另外,我再說一件事,即使是追崇某種價值觀而形成的特定群體,裡面的人們也不是同質性的。你扁平化了個體的差別,將群體內的個人目的性視為單一的,我認為這樣的評論方式是粗糙的。</div>
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一個練肌肉的人如果只是覺得自己練肌肉很美,那到底壓迫到誰?一個練肌肉的人如果明示或暗示只有肌肉才是唯一之美,那才是壓迫吧。我真的看不懂啦,你的意思是:一個人為了自己的身體健康、為了美感、為了得到愛慕,或為了任何原因而練肌肉,都要擔負了壓迫其他身體特質的責任?或原罪?我已經搞不清楚是你表達能力有問題還是我理解能力有問題了。</div>
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最後,我認為自己不能好好說明一件事,就叫人多讀點書(『讀一些表演研究的理論』)是很可鄙的。這代表你沒有能力自己做出完整的論述。」</div>
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首先,這是一個關於同志議題的部落格,是這篇文章的基底。再來是「網路紅人」,於是我討論的便是「同志的網路紅人」。接著是「健身狂」,討論的範圍再向下縮小成「同志網路紅人中的健身狂」。最後我提到了「非為健康而圖以色事人」,便把最終的焦點確定了出來,「同志網路紅人中的健身狂且為了以色事人者」。</div>
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所以我討論的便是這個「特定的群體」,文章的脈絡很清楚,還望你們體察。</div>
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如此我想其他的問題真的不必再細說了。</div>
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但是多上點課、多讀點書真的會有幫助的!相信我,我真心地推薦。</div>
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——本文節選自《紅人與美感》文下與讀者之論辯</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-36561847951577223252017-03-07T20:36:00.000-05:002018-01-23T00:40:36.765-05:00那些好男孩教我的事<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2jon5jn5n8M/WL9gDGy0jUI/AAAAAAAAK5Q/S4-SfQzBc4I56nxDxwCL6RqDWRXTNQulQCLcB/s1600/chapter03-final.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="444" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2jon5jn5n8M/WL9gDGy0jUI/AAAAAAAAK5Q/S4-SfQzBc4I56nxDxwCL6RqDWRXTNQulQCLcB/s640/chapter03-final.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「給你們編上編號,免得你們的臉漸漸模糊了。這樣做,到底是打算要一直記得你們,還是準備要開始一個一個、把你們忘記呢?我也不確定。也許還會有男生來教我也說不定。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 十六歲,我讀《那些男孩教我的事》,懵懂編號的意義。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 十八歲,開始將生命中一個個擦身的男孩編號。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 二十四歲,我再度思索著那些男孩與編號如何交織著我的過往。</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #444444; font-size: 10pt;"> 生命中風華正茂的那幾年,常都是稚氣滿顏的。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 從十三歲我就開始上交友網站。因為極度早熟,所以極度孤單。很早摸索了自己,便希望能遇見另一個能為我指點迷津的人。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 上了大學,我遇見的一個男孩,末末,為他編上了一號。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他非常害羞、樸質,名符其實的一個「好男孩」。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我至今都還依稀記得我們的對話。那時是他主動在我的留言版上發話。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">日期:<span lang="EN-US">2010-10-30 20:36<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10pt;">「嗨,可以認識你嗎?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">很喜歡你的自我介紹,但為什麼說自己虛度人生呢?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">「你好,可以啊。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">因為我總覺得到了這個年紀沒有談過戀愛就是在虛度人生啊。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">日期:<span lang="EN-US">2010-11-01 18:27<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">「那我是虛度了二十年的歲月了……唉,太過悲觀了吧<span lang="EN-US">XD<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">有<span lang="EN-US">B</span>也不見得好,我寧願多一點圈內『知心』。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">很高興能逛到你的板,我的學校離你們也不遠,坐一號就到了。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">「哈,同是天涯淪落人啦。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">每次看到別人在放閃,心裡還是會覺得難過啊<span lang="EN-US">XD<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">噢所以你唸哪啊?我不是台北人所以不是很熟<span lang="EN-US">lol</span>」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">日期:<span lang="EN-US">2010-11-01 19:52<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">「我唸北醫,你有興趣就去靠夜市的公車站。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">搭一號,往吳興街,在臺北醫學站下車就到了。<span lang="EN-US">=///=</span>」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">「北醫很厲害!<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">你要加我的即時通聊嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 轉戰即時通後,我們幾乎日日暢談。他是一個非常守信的男孩,也十分體貼,溫和得讓人幾乎不可置信。只要我說的話,沒有不順我意的。他會因我的一句話,在電腦前整晚等候,不至我出現便不離開。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我們時常在夜幕初垂之時開啟視訊,室友都還在身邊活動,我們或逕自聊自己的,或做著彼此的事。偶爾話題興起,閒談個幾句又埋首眼前繁瑣。直到夜深,才依依不捨地掛斷。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 幾次我不經意抬頭,都會瞧見他望著我,好像我是他等待已久的溫柔。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他的眼皮上老挾著一絲睏意,閃爍的雙眼總努力地想望進你多一些。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">一頭短髮,於髮線之際掛著幾條鬈曲的額髮,兩尾小蟲似的寄居著。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 而他也是我見過最奇妙的男孩。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「你平常有甚麼興趣啊?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「我喜歡做包子和饅頭。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「做包子和饅頭?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「對阿很健康喔,下次做給你吃。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「好啊!那你還喜歡做什麼?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「還喜歡園藝、劍道和彈古琴。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「古琴?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「對阿,學很久了。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他似乎正是那種怪得恰到好處,適合做丈夫的類型。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「我覺得自己笑起來好醜。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「我喜歡看你笑啊,有兩顆兔寶寶牙,很可愛。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 那陣子我們在網上鬧得甜蜜,跟一對新婚伴侶似的。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">日期:<span lang="EN-US">2010-11-09 20:35<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">「抱歉啦,公館小可愛<span lang="EN-US"> :D<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">最近要期中考,只來收收訊息還有信件而已。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">沒時間陪你聊天 </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 10pt;">L</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">考完再好好和你聊 <span lang="EN-US">B-)</span>。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">也祝你一切順心。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">「哼,沒有你我也過得很開心好嗎。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">你最好考完試又剪完頭髮再來找我聊天。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">考試加油啦 </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "wingdings"; font-size: 10pt;">J</span><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">日期:<span lang="EN-US">2010-11-17 19:22<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">「</span><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">我去剪髮了……把你討厭的捲捲劉海,咖擦
<span lang="EN-US">:D</span>變成短髮囉 <span lang="EN-US">B-) <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">我星期六要去參加聚餐,今天下午我跟媽在吵……但是也沒辦法取消……<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">唉,多災多難。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">我們的會面真是一波多折
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">我還是喜歡你的,不要忘囉!<span lang="EN-US">=///=</span></span><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 後來我們終於見面的那天,他從遠方走來,只見他身著寬鬆的棉質外套與長褲,映入滿眼的灰。他微微駝著背,羞怯地走近。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我至今都記得他深邃的眼神、修長的睫毛、精緻的五官。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 但一股隱隱地滾騰壓在我的胃裡,我清楚那代表什麼。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「嗨。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他的嗓音綿密,溫溫緩緩地淋在耳畔。但太過甜軟的,總有腐蠹的可能。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我清晰地感覺到他聲音裡的戰戰兢兢,那使我頭一回明白,原來自己也能夠如此地被一個人想要。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我們第一次約會去了<span lang="EN-US">U2</span>,被稱為「約炮聖地」的電影院。人人都能擁有自己的獨立包廂,還有舒服的大沙發床。聽說很多人都不是為了看電影而來,而是當作便宜的房間使用。盯著那張大床,總感覺那上頭是「彈痕」累累。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 仍記得我們看的是「全面啟動」,他在電影開始前問了一句:「我……等等可以抱著你嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「不可以,我想好好看電影,你給我坐好。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 直到電影結尾,燈亮起的那一刻,他仍在距我最遠的角落上未曾移離半吋,而身下的軟墊陷進了陰影裡,跌了幾呎深。他柔順得教我噁心,再再迫使著我目睹人在感情裡能有多卑微,我也能那樣卑微。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 散場後,我們走出大樓,沉默架在彼此之間,脹得一句話的縫隙也沒有。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 兩人西門附近閒晃,雙方都在心裡譜著往下的劇本,卻忖著截然不同的結局。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我藉了一個由頭想脫身,急於處理這場感情的死胎。接生,同時送死。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他的欲言又止攤在夏日午後的街角,車水馬龍洗得他一雙黑瞳愈發深邃。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「回家小心。」他無力地擠出一抹笑容。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「嗯。」我幾乎頭也不回地消失在下個轉角。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我們的關係在那之後急速冷卻,即使視訊也再升不回以往的溫熱。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 最後一次點開螢幕看見彼此,我看著他,感覺名為憐憫的尖刀,時常能劃得比決絕更深。我對他說出了真話。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「我們就到這邊吧,對不起。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 記得眼前他的臉突然變得很遠,他的悲傷、憤怒在螢幕裡擠得水洩不通,張狂的沉默擰起了我的眉頭,我低下頭逃過他的視線。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「我必須封鎖你,因為我知道自己沒辦法和你當朋友。」他說。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「嗯。」無言以對言明我的虧欠。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「希望你找到適合你的人。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 視窗裡,他名字前的笑臉熄了,自此留著一抹灰不再亮起。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 二零一零年的十二月二十三號,我在網上留下一篇日記。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">「</span><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">對不起<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">浪費了你這麼多時間<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">我真的很壞<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">但是早點放你走總比到拖最後好吧?<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">謝謝你也讓我學到了些什麼<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">謝謝你的祝福<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">也祝你幸福<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">你真的是個好人<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">最後還是要再說一聲<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">對不起</span><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">」</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 隔年的二月,他在我的板上留下一句:「新年快樂。」暱稱也不知從何時開始,改成了「最蠢的人」。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我始終沒有回覆過他。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 這個人也就如此地被埋在時間的軸線上。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 兩年後,我一時興起在臉書上搜尋了他的名字,竟然真的找到了他。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「嘿,還記得我嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「記得啊,好久不見。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他變了,額頂的小蟲不見了,短髮齊淨,眼裡的溫柔被年歲磨得冷利。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 忽然,我覺得,當年是我錯放了他的手。否則眼前的人,照片上的這副面孔,或許已經與我廝守了幾年。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我會隨著日子一同爬上他的眼角,笑的原因裡有我。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「你好嗎?」我問他。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他向我訴說他這兩年的感情起落。如何遇見另一個男孩,拼命打工、四處兼差,只意每回<span lang="EN-US"> iPhone </span>有新機型時求得一臺,討對方的歡心。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他忙著敲扣鍵盤的同時,當年他的眼神閃過我的腦海,裡頭映著這幾年我錯過的那幾臺<span lang="EN-US"> iPhone</span>。我感覺當年自己親手熄滅的餘燼裡浮出了一點殘光。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「你覺得我們還有可能嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我不敢置信,我竟然脫出口這句話。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「我們?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 畫面靜止了一陣,我感覺胃準備升空前往火星。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「我們的時間已經過了。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我愣在電腦前久久不能自已。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 對話就此打住,後來才發現,他最後再次封鎖了我,而我想我是活該。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 會不會,我問的從來都不是他,而是自己。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我需要那一聲拒絕,好讓我確信自己不配被一個「好男孩」所愛。會不會?<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 人是一種很容易自我摧毀的生物,只因恨是懸崖,而愛是腳尖,總踮在靠海很近的地方。那年電影院的暗房裡,陀螺仍在兀自旋轉。若這一切是夢,我正在不斷醒來,又或者不曾睡去。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 在光頭王後,還沒遇見勾勾,李騖也還不存在的那段年華,江峰不完全是個好人。但他習慣確定自己是個善良的人,卻忘了愛的業報,不計好也不較壞,有時就僅是等價交換那樣簡單的殘忍。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 網路是二十一世紀的閻羅殿,生死繾綣都避不過因果的網速。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 在一號之後,我一氣地編到八號,停在勾勾的身上,自此不曾再給予任何男孩編號。從不明白該記得還是忘記他們,那些數字反倒像細數著我的無知,還有我小心包覆的脆弱。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我暗自決定著,若我能再遇見一個「好男孩」,別再放開他。</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 二零一四年,我二十二歲,遇見了棉花糖先生。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 人如其名的他,圓圓的,也甜甜的。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 比起末末,他多了一股天真。但他們有同樣溫柔的眼神,還有柔膩的嗓音。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他每天都用視訊電話叫我起床,然後在我的鬧騰後的一陣寂靜裡,我總看見他輕輕地望著我,嘴角勾著一絲笑意。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 也許好男人的定義便是如此,他們擅長將自己的存在融遍你的生活,看來那麼地天衣無縫,稍不留心一切便成了理所當然,甚至平淡。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他說他喜歡做瑜珈,聽到的當下我停了一拍。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「嗯……」我明白這可能代表他並不是我心儀的「陽剛」的類型。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 多有趣,網路的世界裡,一句話、一顆石子,都能掀起滔天巨浪。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 第一次約會他帶我到我們學校後面的一間小店,我從來都不知道這邊有什麼好吃的。那間店非常特別,沒有固定的菜單,而是每天會有不一樣菜式寫在店外的黑板上。店內空間不大,只夠容納幾位客人。但氣氛卻溫馨舒適,很適合享受二人時光。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我後來想,一個男孩帶你去的任何地方,很大程度也詮釋著他是個怎樣的人吧?那間店是如此樸實,甚至毫不起眼,內裡卻滿是情意。當人們願意和你分享生活中一些淡然卻珍貴的美好,才叫細水長流。然而我此後再沒去過那間餐廳,像極了神隱少女裡的千尋,從那個永遠改變他的地方離開後,卻也回不去了。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 只因最平凡的往往反而最是難得。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 在心裡我總不明白自己對他的感覺,隱隱想他可能不是我要的人,但也就這樣擱著。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 所謂「愛情的雞肋」。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 如此的想法曾傷害過多少人,我總覺得「不說」要比拒絕殘忍得多。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 那年跨年前,我們說好聖誕節要準備禮物給對方。我早早說好要送他圍巾,因為每回見面都看見他空空如也脖子周圍,心想這禮物實用又貼心。而他則始終不肯透漏他準備的禮物,只說是特別訂製的。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「真的嗎?好像很棒。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「不要太期待啦,哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 在網上挑了很久要送他的禮物,最終選定了一個紅綠相間染棕色的脖圍。聖誕節當天我們見面,在臺大裡散步聊天,帶著給彼此的禮物,最後在小小福旁的木椅上歇了下來。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我拿出要送他的禮物,他拆開來,我幫他圍上。看著他的脖子隱沒在柔暖的絲線裡,他的眼裡滿是喜悅,雙眼笑得瞇了起來。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「這樣我以後脖子就不冷了。」他笑得好開,直直地望著我。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「你的禮物。」他從包包拿出了一個小袋子遞給我。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我正準備要拆開,他連忙阻止我:「不要,等回家再看!」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「好吧。」我暗暗收起心中的好奇。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 那天道上晦暗,不遠處一盞路燈灑著淺白的光,記得我們就這樣坐在木椅上聊著直到月掛天中。我送的脖圍始終掛在他的身上,他的存在好似更暖了些。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 回家後我連忙打開他給的禮物,袋子裝著一個對折的信封,裡頭有一張卡片,寫著:「花了一些時間才做好送來,希望你會喜歡。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"> 那是一個手工的木牌掛飾,上頭刻著「遇見你,真好
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 當下我震驚了良久。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 第一次,收到這樣簡單卻又滿富厚意禮物。他如何日日喚我起床、如何因為我的不安與焦躁而莞爾、如何真切地在意著我的大小瑣事,都刻在這方寸之上。我霎時明白了什麼叫作「千里鵝毛」,什麼是輕,而什麼又是重?<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 那始終是我收過最好的一份禮物。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 但我卻沒能因此更喜歡他,反而愧疚感日益增重。可能我一直都明白,我跟他是不可能的。但我們總覺得還能「試試」,然而善良和愚昧之間往往近得危險。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 之後的某天,我在兩個行程之間無處可去,但又睏乏至極,他便問我要不要去他家睡一會。我起初還猶豫了一陣,但我擔心的究竟是他,還是我,說不上來。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 到了他家,他借我他的衣服,說這樣睡得舒適一些,我換上後便躺了下來。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「快睡吧。」他說完便熄了燈,步出了房間。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我躺在床上良久,無法睡去,不住地反側,腦裡翻飛許多雜訊。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 不知道過了多久,他再度入內,在床邊停了下來。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「睡不著嗎?」他柔聲地問<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「嗯,你陪我睡好不好?」我看著他。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他躺了下來,窩進棉被裡,側身望著我。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我們看著彼此,久久無語。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他伸手撫過我的髮梢,停在我的耳後捲揉著。「快點睡。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我伸手捲向了他,兩個人貼合為一。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 從沒如此靠近過彼此,我能感覺到他的溫度、他的柔情以及他的小心翼翼。我開始將手向下鑽,探到他尚軟的襠處,揉進些鼓譟的慾望。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「嗯……」他的氣息開始變得粗糙。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我們再度看近彼此的眼裡,感覺身體融化了一點,此時雙唇碰上對方。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 沒有多餘的力氣與動作,就僅是四片唇瓣的對話,點、磨、含、滑。他的嘴唇有些乾澀,標準男孩的嘴唇。當我撫過,能感覺上頭的細紋,每越過一層都好像褪去內心的一些什麼。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他的下身已然灼熱且硬實。我的手覆蓋上去,捏握把玩了一番。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 兩個人浸浴在床笫的波瀾裡,載浮載沉。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「好了,睡吧。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他倏地從一切中抽離,將我倆甩回了現實。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 「嗯。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我看著他,慢慢綻開微笑,然後沉沉地睡去。他始終在我旁邊看著我,不曾離開。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 至今我仍訝異他究竟抱著怎樣的心情經歷那晚的事,又如何懸崖勒馬。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我只知他的「好」,卻不想他好得如此不切實際。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我想起末末,想起我因他而做出的決定,想起這樣的決定如何地成為一種甜蜜的遺毒,想起棉花糖先生,想起他的好,想起他的好怎樣地任我予取予求。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 在那年的尾端前,我和棉花糖先生說了再見。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 因為我沒辦法忘記他的「好」,也因此我只能看見他的「好」。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 也許我更愛的是「壞」。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 世上的好男人只有這麼一種,但壞男人卻是千姿百態。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 這也許是眾人為何皆為「壞」所傾倒,因為我們總想被摧毀後而重生。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 但是「好」是「壞」都一樣,若你無法看見一個人的人全貌,你便無法真正地愛他。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 戀情的尾聲,人們通常只有兩句:「你太好了。」或者「你太壞了。」背地裡想的卻完全不是這麼一回事。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 當年的我還沒學會真正欣賞一個人的「好」或「壞」,那是每個人生而為個體的獨特之處,不該被放進任何標籤底下。更血淋淋地說,人們總以為愛情裡的另一半是來補足、完滿自己的空缺。當我們認定了自己的形狀,便苦心孤詣地尋找相對契合的圖案。卻忘了愛從不是彼此圓滿,而是共同存在。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"> 於是張愛玲說:「</span><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">於千萬人之中遇見你所遇見的人,於千萬年之中,時間的無涯的荒野裡,沒有早一步,也沒有晚一步,剛巧趕上了,那也沒有別的話可說,惟有輕輕地問一聲:『噢,你也在這裡嗎?』</span><span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;">」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 幾年後我才越發地明白,愛裡不存在疑問句。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 你可以問一個人「想不想」或「要不要」,一千次、一萬次,卻無從問起「愛不愛」。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 那些好男孩教我的事,我至今仍在自我詰問著。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 他送我的木牌卦飾,數年後的現在,還躺在我的包包裡,我卻從來不及對他說:「你曾在這,真好。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">【創作群工作紀錄】<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「有想法了嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「有兩種想法。第一個是,是不是像是看到一件很美的衣服,材質車工都很好,但是你知道那件衣服不適合你。就像我覺得大地色的衣服很好看但是穿起來很像大便。第二個是我想到的畫面,有一個『人』站在你前面(或許不是人,是個東西),而你頭上戴著一個紙袋,挖了兩個洞,眼睛無法看到那個『人』或『物』的全貌。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「但眼睛部位挖洞還是可以看到那個人的全貌吧哈哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「不行一次看很多啦,你自己試試看,不然只有一個洞。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「我本來有想到類似的概念,但是是把遮蔽放在被看的物體身上。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「喔喔像看眼科那樣嗎?呃那還是遮自己。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「不是,是像是貼了一個符或是標籤在別人臉上。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「『談戀愛就像看眼科』爛死了。可是為何是在別人身上,明明是你看不清楚。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「自己貼的啊。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「那也是貼在自己臉上吧,貼臉上好像殭屍。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「是貼別人啊,因為那些好壞的標籤是你給別人的不是嗎?我剛就是想到殭屍欸哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「喔喔你是說標籤,我是說遮蔽物。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「標籤對我來說也是種遮蔽物吧,反正就是看不清的關鍵。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「好像驗貨。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「的確是,現代人的感情觀,愛情就像商品一樣不是嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「愛情就是在驗貨,做測試。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「很常只是看了外表就決定不要了,或是還在試用期也可以退貨。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「七天內想退貨不要剪標籤,帶發票到全台任一個門市即可辦理,還有信用卡。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「對啊朝這方面前進好了。啊,娃娃!盒子裡的娃娃,有個標籤寫著好,然後要拿去退貨哈哈。可是要怎麼畫要退貨?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「其實我不太喜歡寫字,可以畫個讚嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「哈哈好像也可以可是民眾會不懂為何有一個讚還不要,可能要想辦法畫出不適合的那部分。那可能不能是娃娃,要有實用性的東西,雖然好,卻因為某種原因不能用之類的。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「吸塵器,哈哈哈哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「我剛想到是<span lang="EN-US">....</span>拼圖那類的東西,就是手拿著那一塊很漂亮,可是不是圖上需要的那一個空缺,這樣就不需要有什麼讚啊好啊之類的哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「但那個就沒有好壞了捏。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「或者是還可以有類似的,填補的概念。隨便給一些爛例子,家裏有一道牆需要某個大小的畫,買來發現放不下之類的,但是畫要很漂亮。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「這個不錯啊。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「我想要這種,就是不是東西不好,而是不適合的概念。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「我真的蠻喜歡拼圖的欸,因為不是常說愛情就像找到另一半然後拼湊成完整的一塊嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">……(中略)<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「你想像一下畫的例子的畫面,我很怕也看不出不適合的概念,就覺得:喔,太大(或太小),會嗎?我還在想,想不出來了,頂多就想到衣服不合身。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「嗯…我想到也是鞋子不合腳。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「啊,玻璃鞋!玻璃鞋覺得蠻可愛的欸,因為它本來就象徵愛情,也是美好的代表。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「玻璃鞋不錯欸。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「可是我想要男生穿玻璃鞋。可以玻璃平底鞋嗎?玻璃夾腳拖。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「我突然覺得就畫一個男生穿高跟鞋蠻好的,不用改平底的了,我喜歡那個性別的跨界。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「如果是很多人排隊在等試那雙鞋,而且有編號你覺得呢?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「人被編號嗎?但你這樣好像反過來了。我的本意是我是人,對方是鞋子,被編號的也是對方,所以不該是人。當然也是可以完全反過來,變成那些被我編號的是試穿的人,我就變成鞋子,但意思就會有點不一樣。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「嗯,那很多鞋子?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「但試穿很多鞋子感覺好討厭哈哈哈哈。會嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「欸那如果角色換過來,你是鞋子,你要找到適合的腳,不是人呢?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「嗯…我要想一下這兩個完全倒過來的意義會差在哪。我個人是覺得我是試穿的人啦,如果倒過來就會覺得我只能是被動地被挑選的,雖然這個市場本來就是互挑。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「我是還在想到底是該很多腳穿一雙鞋還是一個人試穿很多鞋,我有一些蠻有趣的反思哈哈,你想聽嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 八:「嗯。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 峰:「一開始我是有點反對把自己當成鞋子,一方面是「被進入」的意象,一方面是「被選擇」。但後來想想,如果我們在愛情的市場裡我們每個人都是商品吧,我作為一個商品也能夠有自己的自尊,等待一個真正適合的人,而不是全然被動的。而且玻璃鞋很美,我覺得很好。而且一堆男人的腳試穿一雙玻璃鞋我還是覺得很酷。同時也暗示我的性格是陰柔的,試穿的人不僅是要腳合,同時也要能接受自己穿上這樣一雙鞋。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 現在你們知道為何每一篇都會如此難產了吧,我們總要經過這樣九彎十八拐的討論和激盪,最後才能得出一個雙方都滿意的意象。這次的概念的確是轉了好幾個彎,但我並不覺的它們無關,反而是更能思索人際關係的多重及多面性。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 當我在整理我們的對話時,有個有趣的發現。中間我們一度提到了拼圖,雖然最後沒有使用這個概念,但我在故事中曾提及自己對於「找到另一半」這個說法的質疑。沒想到當初討論時,自己竟然提出過一樣的概念。該說我是根深柢固地相信這個概念,還是最後沒有採用也預示了我的反對呢?<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我不知道。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">【後記】<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 寫這一篇完全是自殺式行為。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 首先,太久遠了,我得先吃兩罐銀杏,過經過一些電擊(?)來喚醒記憶力才行。你可能會問,光頭王的故事怎麼沒這麼吃力,我想可能在心裡的份量畢竟是不同吧。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 突然覺得,可能是壞的記憶總比好的記憶來的深刻許多吧。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">但什麼是好的,什麼又是壞的呢?是當下的感受,還是事後的編纂?我不確定。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">它們現在對我來說都是好的,好得不要不要的。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 再來,比起前兩篇,這一篇的主角,他的確不完全是個「好人」(雖然我已不相信「好」或「壞」的絕對分界,卻也想不到更好的表示方法)。他自私、軟弱、優柔寡斷,但那都起因於他是人,他想被愛,所以他害怕。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 寫接吻的那段,我竟然一邊跟自己的手指接吻。因為太久沒有碰觸到活人,需要自體記憶復甦。哈哈哈哈哈哈哈。天啊,我好可憐。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 然後我真的很愛搞幾年後在網路上相遇的招數,難怪現實中演偶像劇都輪不到我,網路上都吃飽了。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 寫到棉花糖先生走進房間,主角要求他躺下的時候,我心裡真的是冒出一句:「表子。」哈哈哈哈哈哈哈。*註<span lang="EN-US">1<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 這段日子以來,我不斷思考,這樣一個「真實故事」出發的作品與部落格,究竟與「小說」的差別是什麼?對我來說,我希望是更具感染和震撼力的。同時希望讀者能夠切身的明白,我們每個人都在愛裡掙扎,重要的是,明白自己的脆弱與堅強。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 這個部落格同時也是我的一個實驗,以我自己為出發的,串連起自己的歷史。這三篇下來,我彷彿已經看見一個人物,他的各種切面如何敘述他作為一個人的複雜。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 最後我想說,沒有一個樣態的愛情能稱得上是完美,於是你也不必在意自己怎樣去愛。我又有甚麼資格說你是錯的呢?在此我僅僅是呈現了有這樣一個人,他這樣地在愛著。你只需意識到:「啊,原來還能這樣愛啊。」便足矣。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 不過,那又是另一段故事了。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;">註<span lang="EN-US">1</span>:</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10pt;"><br /></span><span style="color: #444444; font-size: 10pt;"> 近來我個人發起的「去女運動」,將所有在構字上貶低女性的字去掉「女」的部首或偏旁。於是「婊子」成了「表子」,但更正確地說法是「回歸」。按照中文造字法則,偏旁通常是後代加上的,為了辨別同音異義的字,古代使用此字時僅用「表子」。</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 明·周祈《名義考》:「俗謂倡曰表子,私倡者曰賈老。表對裏之稱,表子,猶言外婦。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 也就是「外面的查某」叫作「表子」。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 中文裡辱罵女性的字通常用來都特別帶勁,這也是為何人們很難戒除的原因。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 例如我們罵:「你這個賤人。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 若改成:「你這個壞人。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 聽起來就相對弱化許多。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 當然完全不使用這些侮辱女性的字是最佳的作法,但若想繼續使用,將其意義反轉或者再造,也許這會是一個途徑也不一定,就從去女做起。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 我本來是想用「俵」,這樣就可以用在所有人類身上,但發現它們甚至不同音,「俵」也有自己別的意思。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: , serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="color: #444444;"> 總而言之,邀請大家與我一同使用「表子」這個舊酒裝新瓶。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;">【初戀那件大事:番外】<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「你能給我多一點我當初跟武的事嗎?我都想不起來了,覺得細節很少。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「我想想,從腿上退下,告白,他說他也喜歡…」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「那啥?腿上的。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「好像是看電影做我位子,我坐他腿上。然後你看到要我讓你,結果他把你退下來。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「那告白呢?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「就是你好像還有寫本子問說為什麼不讓你坐,不是喜歡你之類的。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「寫本子…好像有欸。啊,好像本來有說要有一本我們兩個之間的交換日記嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「對,但他好像一直沒寫。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「可是我到底為何喜歡上他啊?我要那之前的劇情。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「我怎麼知道啊…我知道的時候好像已經告白了。好像是因為下課會一起走?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「走去哪?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「回家。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「好像沒有欸。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「我真的忘了,八百年前了。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「告白是什麼時間點啊?是不是某次長假啊?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「好像是雙十節完吧。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「雙十節你也想得起來哈哈哈哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「不對是中秋!」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「重點是,我記得假期完再次回到學校已經沒有互動了,就是立即胎死腹中。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「我覺得一、二集我都是以此姿態出現,我根本就是壞女人啊。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「你是啊。哈哈哈哈哈。我有幫你洗白啦,就是又壞又可愛,哈哈哈哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「哈哈哈我愛你。就是突然變冷,告白之後一個月吧。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「可是我記得中間我們也沒幹嘛啊。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「他好像就突然冷處理。你還去偷翻書包看他有沒有寫交換日記。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「有這種事?!我也太瘋了吧,哈哈哈哈哈。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「好像是,然後逼問他為何不寫。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「那他不就知道我看他書包嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「這完全像你會做的事啊。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「對,但就好奇他怎麼反應。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「我在體育的課摸過他的陰莖。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「怎麼突然跳到這哈哈哈。為何會摸?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「我就順勢摸,他沒阻止。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「順什麼勢<span lang="EN-US">XDDDD </span>哪來的勢,請給我前後文。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「我好像問問題靠過去,然後就摸他大腿,就順著摸進去。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「我記得你不是說過你看過嗎?還是只有摸?有口交嗎?哈哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「沒有唷。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「有看過?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「嗯啊。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「啊那是怎樣發生的?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「就吃飯的時候摸著摸著。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「什麼鬼哈哈哈,然後他就脫給你看?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「我坐腿上,摸著摸著哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「啊不是有看嗎?是怎樣看哈哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「就脫下來看。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「你要求還是他自己脫的。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「我脫的。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「啊脫了沒幹嘛又穿回去?不合理啊哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「哈哈哈還小啊。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「屌還小嗎哈哈哈?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「還不錯。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「我記得你說不大啊。是大還小,因為我有寫進去,哈哈哈哈哈哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 凌世:「不大。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 我:「哈哈哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 有沒有覺得作者私下其實智力有點問題……<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 看到這裡真的會覺得,現今有些人在吵性教育不該太早進入校園。你們要不要看看,你們小孩私下都玩成怎樣了?再不提早教育啊!!!!!<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"> 沒關係,生命會自己找到出路。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-47875115284857600352017-03-02T00:48:00.001-05:002018-01-30T13:43:55.343-05:00紅人與美感<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
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近來連續在社群平臺上解除追蹤了幾位「網路紅人」。時日過去,看著他們,我通常僅剩一句疑問:「然後呢?」尤其是「健身狂」的類型,十篇動態有七篇在健身、八篇秀肌肉的那種。<br />
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實在很想(抱著好奇地)問:「這是你的人生最重要的事嗎?」</div>
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他能說「是」,而我也絕對尊重他有權利決定自己要怎麼過活。但人若精心經營自己的外貌,非為健康而圖以色事人,那真得活得戰戰兢兢啊。</div>
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真正值得反思的,也許並不是他們如何運用這樣的感官策略來贏得愛慕,而是他們如何再製了當代無趣的美感想像。</div>
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只因人皆有愛「美」之心。</div>
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而這又讓我想到關於「藝術」的辯論。什麼是藝術?如果一件作品純粹為美而美,給予觀者感官刺激,卻沒有承載任何社會及文化任務,它是藝術嗎?它可以是,但當閱眾疲倦了它的形貌,便也無從歸罪自己的淺薄。</div>
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人們當然可以辯論,它的「美」包被在整個時代的脈絡裡,存在成為了任務本身。那架空了背景,也就是當代大眾的審美品味,它還剩下什麼?</div>
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但有時候我也會倦怠於藝術作品背後高聲尖叫的「訊息」。</div>
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只能說一切在於平衡,過如不及。</div>
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人猶藝術,歸於一理。</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-59696743983994757452017-02-05T00:48:00.002-05:002018-01-23T00:41:04.819-05:00初戀那件大事<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">【前言】</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 第一篇文章出來以後,一個朋友傳了訊息給我,說:「很動人,能誠實面對自己很不簡單,我真的佩服你的坦誠。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 為什麼現代人那麼難赤裸地面對自己呢?</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我寫這個部落格的初衷是,我認為人們有必要更了解和面對愛與性的真相。每一個人都做的事,卻仍然在話題上是種禁忌,甚至是人們用來彼此攻訐的手段。人們如何因為自己面對性的誠實與開放而遭到排斥,我不敢相信在二零一七的現在,性仍是個被如此層層包裹的聖/穢物。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我真心期望,在不久的將來,人們都能夠得到「性解放」。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">性解放不是追求性欲的滿足,而是讓每個人都能更公平地在性、性別以及身體上得到自由。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 但又說真的,就算是想要追求性欲的滿足又如何呢?我們是人,我們做愛。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: , serif;"> 紐約的午夜,我推開房門,望進晦暗的臥室,門在身後闔上。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 長長的一天,隻身在外頭奔波不已。乘著地鐵時,心總莫名地隨窗外飛逝的景物被推回過往,依靠啃食回憶充饑。時常不經意想起生命中那些來去往返的面孔,思考他們的存在烙印在自己人生的意義。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 已經許久不曾想起某些陳年的回憶。最舊的,被安放在抽屜深處,歲歲年年在清掃時再度發現,如同再經歷一回那段生命般。尤其是那些你不曾理清的,丟了、藏了,以為自己已然前進,但那些質問總會在夜深人靜悄悄竄上牆來。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我卸下身負的外衣,隨手拋落在角落的深黑矮桌上。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我的初戀是什麼?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 衣物啪噠一聲與問句同時反響入耳。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「欸,我的初戀是什麼?」一封簡訊送出。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 當下立刻傳了訊息向凌世求救,才明白原來這是一道需要</span><span lang="EN-US">Call-out </span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">的習題。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「你從來都沒有確切答案啊。」凌老師此時發下問卷及答題紙。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我正在思考。」學生虛晃一招。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「那有想法了嗎?」其師凌厲的眼神如劍影刀光。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我有四個選項。」該生恍悟原來此乃一道選擇題。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「說來聽聽。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 教師悶哼一聲,面容笑得人心裡發寒。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 十歲那年,我開始意識到自己與別人的不同。總感覺心中想要親近和依賴的關係是特殊的,抑或說,不被公允的。那會兒的光景,不可能明白這是一種如何滿刺標籤的嚮往,但或許有些人天生就無能違逆其心。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我常和其他男孩打打鬧鬧,像個女孩兒一樣追在他們身邊。我從來都曉得自己不像「一般的男孩」,而我也再再從他人的眼裡確認了這個事實。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 其一如,我恨毒了運動,躲避球比賽我絕對是全場離球最遠的人。但我喜歡看男孩們打球,默默欣賞他們叱吒球場的英姿,甚至偷偷記下幾年幾班的誰,好催眠自己更期待下回班際友誼賽。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 再如,我偷偷在心裡欣賞好幾個同班的男生,他們各有各的過人之處,聰穎、瀟灑、調皮、老實。回想起來,現在的我能學會不再用同一套「標準」去檢視所有人,而是從各面去發現他人的美好,也許自幼就開始琢磨這個眼光。我默默把他們的座號湊在了一起,當作我當時所用的密碼。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 而我也曾被霸凌。班上有個同學總會想出各種不同的方式來羞辱我,記憶中他曾經將我的頭撞向地板、拉著我的雙腳在走廊上拖行,此外他口中詆毀我的詞彙也從來不絕於耳。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「娘娘腔」和「人妖」這些字句都始終迴盪在校園的長廊裡。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 有一段時間我會害怕上學,霸凌讓我明白自己有多無力去護衛自己的不同。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 但班上其中一個男孩,傑,他有時會站出來為我說話,在那個年紀的我看起來便如同白馬王子無異。他總是班上最喧鬧的,也是最常被老師盯上的學生,但他熱心、善良、直率。他笑起來的時候露出兩排齊潔的白牙,總能安撫我的諸多不安。我時常會看著他在球場上的身影而入神。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 記得畢業典禮當天,我穿著一身襯衫與長褲。方到學校,我還沒能定下神來,又惹來同學一鎮調侃。我平復自己,只想讓畢業典禮這天寧靜地過去。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 但最讓我震驚的是,傑竟是帶頭的那一個。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「你今天怎麼沒穿裙子來?」他的笑顏滿盈,滿口輕鬆地說。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「什麼啦。」我只是無力地笑了笑。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 這竟成了我對於小學畢業典禮記憶最深的一件事。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 最終臨行前,我鼓起勇氣,蹣跚地走向他。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「能不能抱你一下?」我感覺心臟好似都要蹦出來一樣。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「好啊。」他依舊是那張笑容。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 第一次擁抱一個我喜歡的人。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 也是第一次以一個男孩的身分偷偷喜歡著另一個男孩。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 剛畢業後,我們還是會在當時流行的通訊軟體,即時通上聊天。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">想起跟他相處這兩年的回憶,教室、走廊、球場,和著那天擁抱的氣味與他的笑容交織在我的脈搏上,我下定了決心。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我喜歡你。」我人生中的第一句。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「啊?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我在電腦前幾乎窒息,狠狠盯著一句「傑正在輸入訊息」。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「你……是開玩笑的吧?」他回答。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我感覺身體裡有片稜角塌陷了點,慢</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">慢地削落,窸</span><span style="background: white; font-family: , serif;">窸窣窣的。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「對阿。你怎麼知道!」我努力在語尾填上蒼白的笑容。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我嚇一跳欸。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「開玩笑的嘛。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我始終都訝異自己有多麼會說謊,又有多麼不會圓謊。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 想起典禮那天最後我們拍了一張合照,回家後,我把它收進一本相簿,裡頭從來都只有那麼一張照片。後來的幾年,我偶爾會把這本相簿拿出來,看著照片裡那個笑容滿面的男孩,伸出手搭著一個膽怯羞澀的男孩的肩,目送他們漸漸黃去。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 而我從沒有跟任何人說起的是,他的座號始終是我的密碼串裡的第一個數字,十四年來如一。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 此刻我正等待凌老師對於我的第一個選項的評價。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「小學這個選項直接拿掉。」他冷冷地說。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「啊?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「國中、國小太稚嫩了。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「但很多人一定會說他們的初戀發生在那時候耶。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我就龜毛啊。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 身為學生竟連自由作答的權利都被剝奪。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「下一個選項呢?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我們都認識的那個人啊。」</span> <span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我與凌世的孽緣得從國中說起,那時他以轉學生的姿態進入我們班上。初初見他,一雙尖耳配上一對大眼,活脫脫個小精靈似的,後來才知道真身是隻妖精。那時他初來乍到,滿臉生澀卻又藏不住驕氣,總覺得他看人的眼光老高出兩吋。我們莫名其妙成了好友,再加上當時另外兩位同學,成了四人組,在班上是種異樣的存在。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 國中時讀的是私立學校,所有人都得剃個大平頭。我們四個都屬於氣質陰柔的男孩,漸漸的就走在了一起。班上一次出了四個「這款的」,誰能說不是種緣分。那時整個班級充斥著平頭的男孩們,像極了《霸王別姬》裡的戲班一樣。我老覺得自己像張國榮飾演的腳色幼時的「小石頭」般,頂著一頭清涼,活像個女尼。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「</span><em><span style="background: white; font-family: , serif; font-style: normal;">我本是男兒郎</span></em><span style="background: white; font-family: , serif;">,<em><span style="font-style: normal;">又不是女嬌娥。</span></em></span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 十三歲,情性初萌的階段,人人都在摸索自己的邊界。我總有意無意地會與班上的其他男生打情罵俏,其他男生也愛調侃、捉弄我們,我們常常一生氣就追打著他們,凌世當時就以他的「鐵掌」著稱。能想像一群平頭的男生在走廊上追逐、打鬧,卻不盡以「哥們」的態度在對待彼此,那是一個曖昧美好的年代。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 而在眾多酷愛玩轉曖昧的男孩裡,只有一個是我真正喜歡的,武。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 說不上來為什麼會喜歡他,他與帥氣二字搆不上邊,臉上滿是青春痘,身材也不能說是好。但也許是他的粗獷,還有我的目光總不經意地會聚焦在他的肩膀上,想像憑靠在那上頭的溫暖。現在細想來興許就如同程蝶衣愛著段小樓那般,是對於依賴和歸屬的嚮往。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我們四個好朋友在國中雖然要好,但卻從來沒有真實地討論過彼此的性向,我就只是猜測,他們應該也和我一樣吧?而武和凌世也非常要好,我時常會因此醋海翻騰。他很喜歡掐我和凌世的臉,但他卻好像更喜歡凌世一些。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「你為什麼老是捏他的臉啊?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「你的臉又沒肉,他的比較好捏。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「你捏看看我的啊!」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「怎麼樣,他就愛捏我的臉啊。」凌世赫然加入。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「唉唷,你們很煩。」他總嫌我們瑣碎,便逕自走開。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我深陷於他笑起來時的傻勁。笑容太重要了,一個人若笑得好,你也許會忘了他擁有多少缺點,又也許你會更篤信自己迷戀他的那種錯覺。我也喜歡看他與其他男孩嘻笑怒罵,粗俗地咒罵,或直爽地豪笑。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 人們總喜歡上幼稚的人,私以為能改變他們,便有理索求他們的愛作為報答。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 再一次,即時通上,我又下了一個決定。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我喜歡你。」我人生中的第二句。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 幼時的我時常是衝動的,不假思索地就去做了,更不在意後果。可能我認為,如果我喜歡,為什麼要羞於說出口?</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「武正在輸入訊息。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我不期待他會給予我什麼答覆,但我必須說出來,否則未來的某一天我會後悔,甚至嫌惡自己當初的懦弱,而我從不曾明白自己當初這樣的舉動有多麼勇敢。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 他肯定會拒絕的吧,我在心裡默默想著,甚至開始思考之後該如何面對他。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我也喜歡你。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我在電腦前震驚得久久不能自已。從沒料想到會是這個答案,我當初甚至沒有想過,如果他答應了,下一步會是什麼?</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「所以我們這樣算是在一起了嗎?」我小心翼翼地問。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「是吧。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我不曉得兩個人在一起該如何,也許是要做些一般情侶都會做的事情吧?先從約會開始如何?我即刻通知了我的三位姊妹們這個喜訊,天曉得那時候我該有多開心。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 但一個假期過去,返校之時,發現武卻冷然相對。我始終不明白前因後果,但很長一段時間我們都不再交談。直到這段「關係」漸漸淡去,我還一陣莫名奇妙時,又變回了單身。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 直到物換星移,和武再一次開啟這個話題,我才有勇氣暢談當年。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我不喜歡你把我們的事情跟別人說。」數年後,答案終於水落石出。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「可是,他們是我最好的朋友。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我現在的女朋友也不會把我們的事到處跟別人說。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我始終不明白,是他對於隱私有我不解的堅持,抑或是只因我不是一個「女朋友」?</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「你是真虞姬,我是假霸王。」程蝶衣那時學會了什麼叫心痛。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 在那曖昧流轉的年華,有些人的身影終究這樣地模糊在情慾的國境上。對他們的迷戀也一同葬在那兒,千里孤墳無人憑弔。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 畢業後,四人組各奔西東,當初四個人中最處不來的凌世與我,反而成了最要好的朋友直到現在。後來他才對我說,他跟武當年曾經在教室裡裸裎相見。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我摸了,還看了他的屌啊,不大。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我的天啊,你這個表子。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我是啊,呵呵。」凌世始終是那款驕傲的笑容。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我們相視莞爾,毫不在意曾經脫軌的劇情,反而慶幸彼此仍在身旁。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 畢竟雄性無情,來去往返,可能知己才是真正會陪伴你不離不棄的人。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「武的那整段故事都太無腦了。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「啊?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 凌世老師無情地將我的純愛羅曼史一巴掌拍飛。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我無奈地望向選項三,腦中翻飛著過往的細節。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 十八歲後,我上了臺北,和凌世不在同一個學校,雖然久久半年見一次面,但每次相聚都不曾感到生疏,這種細水長流的友情可能反而更顯珍貴。他這一輩子都走在我的前頭,高中便掰彎了第一任男友,此後更是情路亨通。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「所以你到底交過幾個男友?我都數不清了。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「官方說法是八個。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「那非官方、姊妹真心版呢?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「十五。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「厲害欸。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「有嗎?很多人都比這個多吧?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我不知道現代人還存在這種愛情競賽。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 總感覺自己像追在凌世後頭的小孩,而我對於「初戀」的定義也一直杳無蹤跡。上大學後我著魔似地尋覓感情,葷素不忌,只想奮力把自己拋擲到一段感情裡。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 大一下我認識了一個男孩,勾勾。他不是我理想中對象的模樣,身材白白胖胖的,但人高馬大,臉蛋倒也挺精緻,眼神裡總揣著一股憂鬱,標準脣紅齒白的模樣。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我們兩人在交友網站上認識,是他首先來到我這裡留言。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">日期:</span><span lang="EN-US">2011-04-18 02:56<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">「哈嘍,你好,我叫勾勾。我覺得你很可愛,哈哈。</span> <span lang="EN-US">=///=</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">「嗨!謝謝你。申請了你的私照希望會過。很高興認識你。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">日期:</span><span lang="EN-US">2011-05-17 12:33<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">「嗨,最近過得怎麼樣呢?你快生日了耶,倒數九天嘍。</span><span lang="EN-US">:D</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">「對啊,你還有注意到我的生日,好感人!看來我是不可能在九天之內銷出去了。說實在我們還沒有好好聊過。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">日期:</span><span lang="EN-US">2011-05-17 18:16<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">「哈,那……就銷給我吧。</span> <span lang="EN-US">=///= </span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">對阿,都沒有好好聊過。你有臉書嗎?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">「哈哈,看情形</span><span lang="EN-US">XD </span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">臉書我只加熟人耶抱歉,但你可以先加我的</span><span lang="EN-US">MSN</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">,變熟了再說</span><span lang="EN-US">XD</span><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我們先在網上聊了一段時間,而第一次約會,看電影,結束後我們帶著他家樓下賣的滷味,回到他家過夜。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 那是人生中首次跟另一個男孩一起睡覺,緊張得很,壓根睡不著。身旁的人一有動靜,風吹草動都像驚滔駭浪。夜半,他輕輕將我拉近,我們兩人相擁,他將我整個人翻到他身上,我就這樣直愣愣地掛在他身上,將他當成床舖一般。因為他圓潤的身材,那樣睡起來竟比床要舒服得多。我仍記得他身上有股自然的淡香,像從他身體裡散發出來似的,就這樣薰著我跌進夢鄉。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 第二次約會完我們仍是回到他家,依舊帶著他家樓下的滷味,邊吃邊閒聊著。我們不時打鬧,在地上翻滾。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 一個翻身,他壓在我身上,我們距離僅僅幾吋之間,我感覺自己屏住了呼吸。他緩緩降臨,柔潤的唇抵了上來,綿綿款款。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「要不要在一起?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 是這一刻,等待了十九年的愛情。我欣喜若狂,竟有種泫然欲泣之感。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「好啊。」我一句輕盈,說完我們相視而笑,又湊近彼此的唇瓣。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 完全忘卻前一刻兩人仍在大啖海帶和燕餃。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 當晚我們一同沐浴,頭一回看見彼此的身體,我還有些害羞,在此之前從沒接觸過另一個男孩的身體。他幫我抹上肥皂,柔情似水的搓磨著我的身體,我也回報地捏捏他的肚腩。他對我笑了笑,露出潔白的虎牙。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 熄燈後,我們並排躺在床上,我回想著今晚發生的事,總還覺得不太真實,一切進展太快,令人不可置信。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 可是我清楚自己想要更多。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 想起那些曾被拒絕的回憶、傷人的臺詞,無數個形單影隻的清晨,還有否定自己能夠被愛的絕望。我吶喊著渴求有人來愛我,以任何能夠被感受的形式,讓我明白自己是值得的。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我翻上他的身軀,手開始四處游移。他輕哼了兩聲,嘴角流過一絲笑意。我緩緩把手向下探去,在他腹下那一處搓磨著,感覺掌下的存在漸漸地挺拔。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「你幹嘛?」他一臉壞勁地看著我。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我想要。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「確定?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我遲疑了一刻,心想,一不做、二不休,索性一日內把所有事情都給結了。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「嗯。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 他把我壓在身下,軟涼的大手陷進我的肌膚。每滑過一處,都像是電流交匯一般燃起花火。床榻真切是每間臥室裡最危險的角落,任何一絲星火都足以燎盡乾柴。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「你不幫我吃一下嗎?」我用眼神示意著下身的熾熱。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「不要!很髒。你從哪學來的東西?」他霎時間露出一臉嫌惡。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「喔……」我一時還有些失望。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 所以你的東西不髒,進入另一個人的身體裡也不怕髒了別人?</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 人們對於自我身體的局限是如何形塑的?哪些部分被允許能親近「性」,而那些又被革除在外?這些問題對於當年的我都還太過深澳。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 他彈開潤滑液,擠在手指上,緩緩進入我的身體裡,一陣冰涼惹得我微顫。我感覺身體內部有股力量在排斥著,腹部隱隱一股悶痛,但心想一切可能很快會過去,我終將能習慣那些感覺。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 他抽出手指,示意我坐到他身上,自己調整進入的方式。我極為緊張,完全不知道該如何舉動,身體的肌肉揪得緊繃。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「不要緊張,慢慢來。」他溫暖地說。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我緩緩下沉,感覺他進入我的身體裡。我痛得面容猙獰,感覺腹腔深處即將要爆破。一陣糾纏後,終於完全將他容納進來。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 原來這就是與另一個人結合的感覺,我現在正在被愛著。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「怎麼辦?你完全被我吃掉了。」他輕鬆地笑了笑,月光下他的神色如波。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我嘗試動了動,卻仍感覺極度不適,並無隨著時間退去。他試著安撫我,輕吻著我,手在我背上柔撫。後來我們換了一個姿勢,但痛楚仍舊陣陣襲來。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「算了,別做了,我真的很不舒服。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 他體諒地一言不發,從我身內退離,把潤滑油收好,將保險套用衛生紙包密,輕巧地投進了角落的垃圾桶裡,一陣慌亂後兩人再度各自睡去。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我看著另一頭的垃圾桶,想像自己身體的一角也被甩了進去,等待焚燒瓦解,再也無從悼念。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 隔日我一早就離開了他家,在捷運上,早晨的陽光穿透玻璃,點亮我憔悴的臉,心裡反覆煎熬著昨夜。回到宿舍,室友們都尚在榻上,我打開桌燈,一把攤陷進木椅裡。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 人生中有幾個時刻,你的直覺曾大聲疾呼,試圖告訴你,你正走向覆滅。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 你錯了。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我喜歡他什麼?」看著桌角的鏡子,照得我默然無語。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 回想過去的十九年,無時不盼一段愛情降臨。看著凌世早已拋下並超前我許多,進入人生的下一個階段,體驗著情的美好。我不甘心,也不想相信我是次於他的。於是我盲目地把自己賣了,買一段廉價的感情,好餵養自我的空洞。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 我消失了幾天,忽略他的電話,也沒有回應他的簡訊。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 最後決定跟他提分手,但我甚至連親口對他說的勇氣都沒有,因為我是罪魁禍首,不願也不敢再聽他的聲音,那會讓我記起自己有多噁心。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我們分手吧,我覺得這不是我想要的。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 最後一封簡訊,他自此再沒有回覆過我,而我也沒有顏面再去聯絡他。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 除了身邊幾個好友之外,我從沒跟人談過這段關係,也許因為它標示著我的無知、懦弱,還有我的空虛。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 年少輕狂的那幾年,你與這個世界彷彿就得互相傷害,直到你打碎了,再拼回自己,以為那叫作成長。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「勾勾那段太短了。欸你的前三個選項都蠻爛的欸……」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「怎麼會!」本學生已準備要怒火中燒。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「好,那李騖呢?」我問。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「李騖太晚了。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「二十三歲哪算晚啊?三十歲也可以初戀啊。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我覺得是一種心境。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「你是哪位?初戀警察嗎?」不可置信我正在被管束如何定義我的初戀。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我覺得是光頭王。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「啊?為何?」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「情竇初開,有很多放不下的。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我覺得蠻好的耶,就這麼決定了。」凌世驕傲地宣布。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 就這樣,我的初戀三審定讞。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 在不曾思考過自己感情歷程的那幾年,我像在情慾裡浮沉的遊魂。這一個紐約寂靜的午夜,我赫然有股想要釐清自己古往今來的衝動。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 初戀的這道單選題,每個選項對於我作為一個愛情裡的主體,皆有著不同的意義。但我最終選擇了它作為一道申論題,論述這一路走來,我如何在愛與性中迷失與歸來。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 愛不需以關係為外衣,更不是性的容器。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 愛很艱難,卻從不複雜。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 而初戀,可能是那個讓你初次體嚐怦然心動的人,你將你無數個第一次都賦與了他;也可能是你百般迷戀但卻不曾得到的人;又可能是那個你以愛之名狠心傷害過的人。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 後來明白了,我所期望的初戀,不必天長地久,也不限曾經擁有,而是讓你褪下疑惑與武裝,能夠真切地學習愛與被愛。你們最終不必擁有彼此,但他卻始終如影隨形,因為他讓你理解了自己能夠如何愛人。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「我覺得我的初戀就是李騖</span></span><span style="color: #444444; font-family: , serif;">。」我堅定地對凌世說。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 就像無人能禁錮你怎樣去愛,亦沒人能為你定義初戀,因為它將標記著你這一生如何擺渡愛的顛簸。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 初戀那件大事,怎能輕易被他人說了就算呢?</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「你倒說說看,為什麼是他?」凌世依舊話鋒犀利。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 「李騖啊……」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 窗外這座城池燈火通明,與你擦肩而過的人們,皆有著不為人知、傾吐不盡的愛與恨。這破曉時分,思緒再上眉頭。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 紐約遙望北京,萬里相隔的兩座城市,一種相思,兩處閑愁。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">【空位:番外】</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"><span style="font-family: "新細明體" , serif; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: 新細明體; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> 原先這不是我預計中的第二篇文章,但在寫完第一篇後,就突然想到了這個問題,我的初戀是什麼?如同我之前所說,寫作對我來說就像自我治療一樣,同時也是在梳理自己的過往。</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3473920832318740801.post-41600333459591554632017-01-25T02:09:00.003-05:002017-06-27T05:32:23.084-04:00空位<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 若我能在夢裡醒來,眼看人盡樓空。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 一幢小小的心屋,盈著滿滿的鬼魅,塞得心疼。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 屋後一只風箏高懸,細線紮進土裡,繫出一朵荼蘼,開著遍野的寂寥。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 人的愛情很俗氣,大致都有那麼一個幽靈角色。總揮不去他們的存在,但也近不得彼此的距離。人們為其空留席位,在一個個陰僻的角落,等待生塵,再日日拂去。他們或許是那未始之始,既不曾開始,也就不得結束,註定一生糾纏。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 那年我方考上大學,在當時興盛的交友網站上留下了考取的校系訊息。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 某天收到了則留言,僅寫道:「嗨,我是你的學長。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 在這個故事裡,我叫他作光頭王。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 年歲增長,我漸漸明白,有些人,你與他的相識有多平凡,陷得就能有多深,因為你確信自己有多麼值得這段平凡的感情。結局時你恨,恨你的平凡,也恨自己恨不得他的平凡。</span></div>
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<a name='more'></a><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 當年初見他的照片,有種頭一回誤認自己距離愛情很近的錯覺。相片上,他彈著吉他,頂著一顆光頭,微鎖的眉頭勾勒許多曖昧。在那還使用</span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">MSN</span><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">的年代,人們躲在現實裡暗自遍嘗虛擬的苦辣甜酸。那是一段標點符號都足以傾國頹城的年華。</span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我們很快交換了號碼,當晚便撥響了第一通電話。記得一晃眼就到了凌晨四點,但彼此在過去的五個小時裡,並不時時刻刻交談。話筒兩頭時常就這麼沉默著,直到其中一方打破寂靜,那通常是我,按捺地試探著。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 他突然彈起鋼琴,我一愣,但也就靜靜在另一頭聽著。伴著窗外蟄伏的夏炎,黃月懶在外牆上,一瞬水星溜過。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「你在彈什麼?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「孫燕姿的〈我不難過〉。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「是嗎?你很喜歡這首歌?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「其實我喜歡〈我不愛〉。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 在那之前,我從未認真地聽過〈我不愛〉這首歌。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 那些你聽過的卻沒聽清的歌裡,好似都狂放地呢喃著命運的殘酷。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 餘下的假期裡,彼此有一搭沒一搭地聊著,而在八月的尾聲,我們經歷一次爭吵後,他消失了。十八歲的光景,憤怒無需理由,只懂漫漫張狂地投射自我的任性,以為那回事就叫感情。一個無法從內在提煉安全感的人,他終將摧毀可能擁有的愛,好讓他明白這個世界的冷酷和自己的憤怒。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 後來我轉了系,但仍跟原本系上的同學要好,便回去參加中秋烤肉。那是一個早秋的夜晚,大夥歡暢地喧鬧著。倏然一群人從遠端的角落聚攏,我看見一顆熟悉的光頭。這是我第一次真正遇見他,他緩緩靠近,在離我一公尺處停了下來,和同桌的人閒談著,我的心也隨他的嗓音字句轟隆。側身背向他,我埋首在眼前的杯盤裡,恨不得與烤肉玉石俱焚。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 最後他離開了,沒有認出我來。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 第二個學期,在他們系上表演晚會,是我第二次看見他。不同的是,這次他站在舞台上,我僅僅隱沒於人潮中。他一如我初見的相片,神色曠然地撥弄著琴弦。我凝望著他,燈光暗去後,多少言語噎在深眸裡。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 自此我再未見過他,音訊杳無。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 直到數月後的一個凌晨,手機收到許久沒聯絡的他傳來的一封訊息。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「對你的愛像斷了線的風箏,落在山後頭,沒有人知道。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「神經病啊,凌晨兩點傳什麼鬼詩。」回畢,卻一夜難枕。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「是群組訊息吧。」室友<span lang="EN-US">JP</span>難掩臉上的不屑。「傳給一群人,看誰會上鉤。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我想也是。」怎有正常人類會凌晨發送這種瘋癲情詩。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 往後又是一陣靜寂,待到隔年春天,手機中這個陌生的號碼才又鼓譟了起來。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「學弟,要不要跟我吃飯?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 接起電話那刻我還一陣反應不及,語氣同臉上都泛著狐疑。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「為什麼,突然?」我如履薄冰。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我們一直沒有見過面啊,而且,我一直想好好謝謝你。」他字句攀上我的唇畔,輕輕地咬齧著。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「謝什麼?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「你曾經在某些時刻救了我,只是你不知道而已。」他煞有其事地說著,嗓眼裡滿是認真。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 謝我幫你撿了風箏嗎?<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 碰面當日,我在對街緩緩走近,看見不遠處一顆光頭,身下一部重型機車,心頭霎時一陣砰塞。我停下腳步,感覺世界都扛在他的背影上。他回過頭,瞥見了我,鬍鬚豐茂的上唇咧了開來。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「上車吧。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 呼嘯過臺北市的空氣,我在後座始終揪著紊亂的心思。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 突然他開口唱歌。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「或許只有你,懂得我,所以你沒逃脫。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 一邊在淚流,一邊緊抱我,小聲地說多麼愛我。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 只有你,懂得我,就像被困住的野獸,在摩天大樓渴求自由。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「〈想自由〉。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「對啊。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 他逕自哼著,我在他身後凝神。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 迎來的風裡和著他的氣味,我用力地搜刮一絲一毫,悶胸膛裡反覆煎熬。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 午飯過後,我們來到他的系館,空無一人的讀書室。同樣是間或地談著天,他拿起了晾在一旁的電子琴,我們各自據守在一張桌子左右兩端。我看著他,他彈著琴。我淡然默默無語,自視針線閒拈伴伊坐。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「來睡個午覺吧。」他突然放下琴身。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「啊?」我一時反應不來。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「有點累了啊,一起睡吧。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 仍是各據長桌兩邊,我看著他沒進雙臂之間。不久我也睡意昏沉,我們就這樣在一個我也不甚熟悉的系館自習室裡各自睡去。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 方醒時,惺忪之際,外頭仍是豔陽閃爍,我眼前還浮著一片朦朧不散。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我可以抱你一下嗎?」他赫然殺出這句。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「啊?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 頓時睡意全消。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「不是說想謝謝你嗎?希望你能給我一個擁抱。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 依舊滿臉認真的他,嘴角卻總叼著這種讓人摸不著頭緒的臺詞。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「噢,好啊。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「啊,等一下好了。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「怎麼了?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「就是…等一下嘛。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我赫然看見他有些尷尬的坐姿,想起我們方才睡醒,一股壞勁竄上嘴角。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「沒關係啊,來啊。」我絲毫不加掩飾眼畔的笑意。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「等一下啦。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我才發現他的基因裡原來存有害羞這種機制。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 彼此相望,又陷入一片無語。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「好了,來吧。」他起身,朝我走來,步步都那麼鄭重其事。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我們靠近,然後捲入彼此的臂膀裡。我努力記憶他的溫度,同時複習他的氣味。午後的暖陽篩過玻璃散成金粉,浮凝在我倆周圍。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「謝謝你。」他輕輕推離我。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「不客氣。」我看著他,眼底糾著。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 那是我第一次,也是最後一次見他。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 幾年過去,途中他不時會突然聯絡我,但不曾再進一步。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 某一年,我偶然在臉書上發現他的帳號,鼓起勇氣送出了訊息。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「還記得我嗎?」我帶著忐忑等待著回覆。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「你是我的學弟啊。」恍惚之間,我彷彿看見了當年他無心的那則留言。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 時移世易,交友網站沒落,人們群聚於手機交友軟體上。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 後來我再次聽見這個人被提起,是從好友那邊聽聞關於他的事。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「還記得光頭王嗎?你那個學長。」凌世在某次聚會裡問我。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「怎麼了嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「他好幾次在交友軟體上約我做愛。」他忖度自己的語氣。「還常常問我在哪,說要過來找我。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「是哦。」數年未聞這個名字,心頭一陣餘波。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 直到我終究親自在交友軟體上看見了他,這些年的種種閃過,霎時心頭一橫。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「要不要跟我做愛?」我說。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「啊?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「跟我做愛,要嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「這麼突然?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「會嗎?我一直都想跟你做愛。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「可是我對你從來沒有這種想法。」他終於說出口。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「嗯,謝謝你。」而我也終於說出口。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 那一年我二十二歲,想起十八歲時初見他的照片,他的英姿煥發;想起在臺下望著他舞弄琴弦,兀自以為讀懂了他在樂音裡私掩著的靈犀;想起那個午後,世界停在我倆身上,有他的氣味跟我的心跳。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 後來我曾跟一個陌生的男孩做愛,因為我在他身上看見他。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我跟他做愛,也跟他做愛,更跟自己內心追尋的他的重像做愛。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 但做愛是世上離愛最近的謊言。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 十八歲,以一個男孩的身分迷戀著另一個男孩,那甚至不能搆上愛的邊角。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 現代人的感情,不懂得愛,倒先通了恨。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 直到二十三歲那年,我才真正學會以一個男人的身分去愛另一個男人。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 在此之前,我總守著那個空位,亂花迷眼地去填滿它。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「你覺得我在我心裡留了一個位置給他嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「我倒感覺比較像是烙印。」逼逼一如既往地語氣溫暖。。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「烙印嗎?好像很痛。」我看著逼逼,陷入沉默。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 難怪現代人不捨得愛,因為愛讓人痛,但想愛卻不懂得愛更痛。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 赫然憶起了〈我不愛〉。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「你消失了,愛消失了,跟隨的我去哪裡?<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我想過要放棄自己,說放棄要放哪裡?<span lang="EN-US"><br />
</span> 愛已經讓我認識我自己,在眼淚流下的味道裡,感覺不到你,才知道丟了自己。<span lang="EN-US"><br />
</span> 我不愛,不能愛你給的未來。<span lang="EN-US"><br />
</span> 我不愛,不能愛你離開了我的現在。<span lang="EN-US"><br />
</span> 離開現在不回來,再等待等什麼,沒有你沒有愛存在。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 忘記了是什麼時候,我也不再期待你會回來坐上那個屬於你的位置,然後就讓它被塵埃佔據,而我也能超度那個幽靈。我迷戀過一個給不了自己未來的人,也恨過那個得不到未來的自己。真心的愚蠢和愚蠢的真心,是哪個更爛漫?<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 年少,不過用最平凡的青春去交換最現代的愛情。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「你知道,他說過我對他來說是個特別的男孩。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「他啊,他有過的特別的男孩可多了。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 直到遇見了另一個男孩,他這樣地對我說起他。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 不過,那又是另一段故事了。</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">【創作群工作紀錄】</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 八:「<span style="color: #1d2129;">曾經喜歡的人,之後不知道為什麼都會對差不多感覺的人心動。」</span><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"><span style="color: #1d2129;"> 峰</span>:「那<span style="color: #1d2129;">你看完後有抓到一些意象覺得可以畫嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 八:「<span style="color: #1d2129;">如果用主題去說,有點像是有個農夫來你的土地上挖了一個洞,種了某個東西,暫且說是萵苣好了(?)。萵苣採收後,這個位置缺了一個洞,之後就只會想找和萵苣差不多的植物來種。靠我的比喻好爛。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 峰:「我覺得超好欸,簡潔有力。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 八<span style="color: #1d2129;">:「我也不會想把那個洞填起來,因為我喜歡窩苣在生長的那段期間經歷的所有事情,但他後來怎麼樣就不在意了。(火鍋店之類的)」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 峰:「說得好。結果最後去了馬辣嗎?哈哈哈哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 八<span style="color: #1d2129;">:「<span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;">你有看到圖裡的人其實也是椅子嗎?</span>」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 峰:「什麼意思?他本身是椅子嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 八<span style="color: #1d2129;">:「意思是,我有一個空位,還是我也是別人的空位?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 峰:「好棒。但我沒看出來,哈哈哈哈哈。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 八:「我覺得你 <span lang="EN-US">Logo </span>的文字是想要狂野但它們還是很有秩序。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 峰:「怎麼做到?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 八<span style="color: #1d2129;">:「就是一群發狂的母雞但是乖乖排隊。這個比喻可以嗎?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: inherit;">【後記】</span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我小時候第一個,也是唯一的志願好似就是當一個作家。記得國小、國中的時候很愛看當時火紅的網路小說,越俗氣越心有戚戚。還記得可能是剛入大學的時候,和凌世說過我想寫小說。他那時候只回我:「你現在應該還沒東西可以寫吧?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 這幾年,看的多了,跌的也多了,覺得也該是時候。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 為什麼先寫這一篇呢?也許就像文章裡說的,這個故事似乎標記著一切的源頭。寫作對我來說一直是種自我治癒,也許藝術對我來說都有這樣的魔力。我跳舞、歌唱、寫作,可能戲劇也是,必須透過這些過程來反芻自己,才能真的和過去停戰。同時在病理上,寫作也是我個人治療阿茲海默的方式。在書寫的過程裡,許多往昔在腦海裡湧現,有時一道靈光閃入,想起了被遺忘已久的對話,如獲至寶。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「天啊。對,竟然說過這種話!」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 第一篇就花了莫大的力氣,從完成、修改、反思,弄得像碩論一樣。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 謝謝八的辛勞,我們兩個都有自己的美感和堅持。尤其我又是個完美主義者(嗎),常常糾結在一些枝微末節上。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「那邊再稍微往右移一點。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「整體往左旋一點。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「整個再往上一點點。」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「是不是歪歪的啊?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 「好像有點太亮欸?」<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 終於做出一個我們都滿意的作品,實在不容易。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 這次以及往後的作品,都會是以真實故事作改編。<span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 我不會說破是幾實幾虛,因為反正我也記不得了。</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="color: #444444; font-family: inherit;"> 最後,我到現在都還是很喜歡光頭。</span></span></div>
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